The Struggles Of Jenn

I’ve been feeling pretty useless recently. Well, I don’t know if useless is the correct word. Probably not. I’ve just been feeling directionless. I’ve been feeling bla. I have no energy. I haven’t been able to do any of my good writing.  I feel like I’m just, I don’t know, like I have no motivation, no get up and go. Like I lost my mojo. I get worried when I have the blas. Anyone with a history of depression probably knows what I’m saying. It remains a weight there, in the back of your mind. I don’t like that feeling a d never want to go back there. Those low periods in my life sucked, to put it mildly. I believe that only those who’ve been there truly understand. Depression isn’t the blues, or feeling sad or having a bad day, or even week. It most definitely is not a choice!!! I’m just going to say that one more time, people don’t choose to be depressed.  It’s not something you can just snap out of or cheer up! Please don’t ever ask a truly depressed person to do either of those things. You feel stuck, you feel lost, you feel hopeless, you could easily lie in bed for days without doing anything at all. It is a deep, dark, and dismal place to be in. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. People who think that you just need to go for a run clearly don’t get it. Depressed people are having a good day if they make it from the bed to the couch! I don’t want to go back there. I’m probably fine, just in a bit of a rut or something. It just keeps its weight in the back of my mind. Reminding me of how awful it felt. Many of my early posts were from when I was depressed and you can just feel it in the tone of my writing. Or I sure can. My more recent posts compared to some of my older ones are like night and day. But, I’ve just been doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, finishing nothing, and it makes me feel shitty and down. But not depressed. I’ll fight that with all I’ve got! I never want to be in that hopeless place again, not ever! I just need to get my butt in gear and get moving and doing. Being idle sucks. It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and feels empty, without direction or purpose! I need to do more with my time. Research publishing, write more, paint or draw, something! I don’t do well when I’m not doing enough. I understand that when I’m having a shitty pain day I don’t need to be super-mom or anything. I’m just talking about day to day on my good days I need to be doing something. Anything really! Anything other than sit around getting nothing done. It leaves me feeling crappy about myself and isn’t all that great for the self-esteem. When I’m busy and have lots to do, I feel better about myself. More worthy or something. It’s what I’ve been trying to say to my oldest. If she keeps doing nothing, she’s going to keep getting headaches, feeling bla, being negative and crabby. She’s in a better mood on the days when she’s up and has plans or something to do. She dotsee the correlation between her moods and desire to do absolutely nothing. She doesn’t see how feeling like you accomplish nothing is wearing on her, but I sure do. She needs a job! Then, with her busy, I can do some things for myself, like write or paint or organize our house. I let her convince me to watch tv, which ends up sucking the hours away, then I end up feeling unaccomplished and crappy!!  I can’t totally blame her. I choose to sit and do nothing with her. She doesn’t have to force me. I just would probably get more done if she was at work, because she wouldn’t be asking me to watch one of our shows. Sigh…she needs a job, and I need to start doing more around the house. Being sick, really sick, put a lot onto my hubby’s plate. However, now I have more good days, I can get back into doing some of the things around the house that I used to do. That would take some of the pressure off of him. It would alleviate some of the guilt I feel about all he’s done in my place over the past few years. I need to find my drive. I don’t want to be depressed again and I need to start living my life again. I’m just not quite sure how…

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”
“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

One thought on “The Struggles Of Jenn

  1. Oh Jenn…don’t let Tay drag you down!! She ought to be out EVERY DAY looking for a job. I know when you push too hard it backfires..but you have to push her. It’s worse for her to be sitting around than it is for you. She is young and life is passing her by. NOT GOOD! Whatever it takes…she must find a job of some kind. Sorry to preach at you, but you guys worry me sick.

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