From the vault again. Taken from the same writings as yesterday’s post, from an art-journaling course I took a while back. I’m not feeling good and we had a birthday party for my daughter with about 15 (no wonder I feel shitty!) dance friends. She wasn’t sure about mixing her dance friends with her school friends. She mentioned that she was nervous about whether or not they’d get along. Apparently her school friends don’t like it when she talks about her dance friends. They even came up with a really mean nick-name for one of the girls, just from an Instagram photo. I was shocked when my daughter told me. However, I guess that during the last few months of school she was often upset, because her friends were being mean to her or ganging up on her or not helping her with things, like if she missed school and then asked them for help, they wouldn’t help her. She worried constantly about what to or not to say, because she didn’t want them to be mad at her. I was and still am really surprised, as these are all nice girls that she’s been friends with for years!! Anyway, who knows where that all came from. Total tangent!! How did I even start talking about this?? Oh right! The dance friends. The truth of the matter was that she was worried about the two friend groups getting along! Anyway. It will all work out. She’ll have a sleepover or something with her school friends and everyone will be happy!! Here’s my writing from the vault. Even though I wanted to, I added no changes. When I’m using past writing I try not to correct anything, to keep it in its original version. 

Awaken Awareness

Frenzy, Frenzy, stop this frenzy!  What am I rushing for?

Worry, worry, always worry!  Does it even help me get more?

Moving, running, pushing, shoving!  Have to get things done. 

Helter-skelter. Chaos-panic! Is living this way fun?

Time to stop, to pause, to rest. To open up my eyes. 

Seeing, viewing, breathing deeply. Letting awareness arise. 

Sitting calmly, praying reverently. Taking in my life. 

Smiling, laughing, living joyfully.  There is no need for strife. 

Changing viewpoints. Seeing clearly. Beauty is all around me. 

Knowing wisdom. Feeling freedom. This is just the way to be. 

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

From the vault (July 21,2008) During an art journaling class, with the theme of the course called, “Beauty Quest”, we were given the first line and had to complete the thought. This is about my first born. Nothing ever “beat” it, but the birth of my other two kiddos equaled it!

“I remember a time when I met beauty…”

It was awesome and awe inspiring…to see her tiny precious toes and itty bitty finger nails. Her belly steadily moving up and down – her eyes cloudy, but looking, no gazing into mine. Her tuft of hair, much darker than I had ever imagined! She is my heart❤️. Her innocence and helplessness was both frightening and magical – she needed me to survive!! Me! Without me she would not be able to go on!  The fear and uncertainty, to be granted such responsibility, coupled with the joy and amazement was just overwhelming!  Her skin, seemingly so thin, was smooth and warm. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her; I could stare at her forever – until the end of time and it wouldn’t be long enough! She is my heart❤️. How could something so precious and perfect have come from me? Can I raise her? Can I do this? Will I be a good mother…I don’t know how to do this! What am I going to do?!  But such unburdened trust and innocence and utter reliance on me – Wow! She was my baby. She is my baby! I was her mommy. I am her mommy! WOW! There is a God. God is good – God is here – In my arms – In my heart – In her heart – She is my heart❤️. Oh God. Thank you for the most precious gift one can ever receive! Nothing will ever beat this. This moment with her lying on my chest, gazing up at me. Equally tired from the long ordeal that brought her into this world. Gazing at my baby! I clearly possess magic, to have created something so tiny and yet so so very perfect.  She is my heart ❤️.  I love this baby more than life itself!!! From the very second I saw her, I knew that I no longer controlled my heart, she did. This perfect, tiny human, that I created. No other blessings can compare to this…Thank you God, for such an incredible gift. She is my heart❤️

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

A flower. A bird. A child. A word…Beauty 

A bug. A man. A tree. A hand…Beauty

A smile. A rock. A cross. A sock…Beauty

A skip. A hop. A cloud. A raindrop…Beauty

A feather. A leaf. A book. A reef…Beauty

A daisy. A weed. A puppy. A need…Beauty

A chirp. A breeze. A song. A sneeze… Beauty 

A prayer. A heart. A breath. A start…Beauty

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

A day of fun

Full of laughter

A day of smiles

Filled with chatter

Time spent with family 

With colouring and games

Time spent together 

With movies and candle flames

Time spent together

With giggles and joy

Time spent with family

With pleasure and toys

Full of lady bugs 

A day of play

Filled with hugs

A day of love 

JK

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

For Christmas my hubby bought me 12 gift cards for restaurants and movie passes, etc so that we could go on at least one date per month. It was a very sweet and thoughtful gift. The problem is, or rather, the sad thing is we’ve fallen about 4 months behind on our dates!! Not intentionally of course! I think life just gets busy and then you blink and a months’s gone by. That’s what it feels like at least. Time just rolls on and if you don’t prioritize these kind of things they just won’t happen. I mean, that’s my perspective. Obviously it may not be the case for everyone. So tonight we used a gift card for dinner and a movie pass afterwards. We actually had two for the restaurant, but we didn’t need both. It’s nice to go out without the kids. To be able to talk without being interrupted seems like a rare thing. Not that I have super rude kids or anything, it just always seems loud and busy, so just sitting quietly and chatting is a rare thing. There’s always something else going on, it seems. It may get better once I get my little man to bed at more normal times, since school begins next week! I have been getting him to bed earlier and it gives me quiet time that I use to write this. However, if I start writing it during the day, while the kids are in school, I can hopefully be with my hubby post-bedtime. Although, with older kids it’s rarely just the two of us up once our little man’s in bed. Our oldest usually goes to bed at the same time as me. My hubby will stay up late playing video games or watching tv, I’m usually spending that time writing. But even to be sitting by him while writing would be nice. I usually do it sitting in bed, but a change in location may be in order, if I do continue writing this at night. I used to sit by him reading, while he was playing a game or watching tv, so, it may be time to resurrect those old habits. Ew! (I’m eating some of those little “Jelly Belly” jelly beans and I just had a nasty one! Blech! I didn’t see what colour it was, but it tasted awful!)

I’ve felt super tired since we got home after visiting my parents. I have zero energy and have accomplished little. I told that publishing guy that I’d read over all of the information he sent me (which I’ve done) and that I’d get my posts into document form (he said Microsoft Word, but apparently we don’t have Word. So I’m hoping Google Docs will work. The thing is, I haven’t done it yet. He wanted to write me a proposal, but he needed to have an idea of the word count of my “manuscript” (all official sounding). Technically, I don’t even really have a “manuscript” yet. Just a whole bunch of blog posts. I need to go back to my first post and post by post, copy and paste them, in order, as a document. It sounded simple, but it’s more work than I thought doing that. I have a lot of posts to go through. Once I have them all together. I am going to read through them and my mom is also going to proof read them. She’s an awesome proof reader, she always helped me with my essays and writing when I was in school. I haven’t really gone back and read through anything. I usually post it and then move onto the next one. I am looking forward to actually reading it all from beginning to end (wherever that ends up being…). Once I have his proposal, I will have a better idea of his recommendations and the cost. Then I have to figure out the money part of things. There is a promotion going on until the end of August. However, that may be too soon. I’m not sure which services are on sale, but it doesn’t feel too realistic, having the “Manuscript” (Hee Hee, I like saying that word) ready before the end of August!! I’m not sure how the promo works, if I just have to say, yes I’m going ahead or if they need some kind of payment prior to the end of the month…I guess maybe I’ll know more after speaking with him tomorrow. The whole idea makes me feel both nervous and excited at the same time! It is my biggest dream. To write and publish a book. Imagine if I’ve already done so (the writing part anyway), without really realizing that was what I was doing!! So so exciting right!? I believe I’m rambling! I really need to get some sleep.  I can’t keep my eyes open!! So, instead of forcing myself to stay awake, I’m going to head to bed!!

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

My girls birthdays are really very close together, only ten days apart actually. And, if you ad back to school on top of that, it makes for an expensive month for us! Then, to top it all off, I received an email reminding me that the kids all have dentist appointments next week…ahhhhh! What was I thinking? Why would I ever have agreed to coming in August? It’s going to be too much, so I will have to call them and reschedule. I’ll probably spread them out too…maybe once a month for September, October and November. That’s a much more realistic plan. Money is so frustrating. It’s just so stressful living paycheque to paycheque. I had hoped that by my age I would be in a much more financially stable place. But, nope, it seems to come into the bank and then after bills, groceries, you know, basics, it’s gone again. Back when I was going to school and working on my masters I thought that by the year 2016 I’d actually be making money and contributing towards this family. Instead, there’s always something we need money for that we can’t afford.  And, regardless of what I’m doing, the money always comes from my hubby. I am so blessed to have him. On some of he TN groups I’m a part of, I couldn’t get over how many women with this horrible disease have been left, or rather, deserted by their partners. It’s so so sad. I often wonder if my hubby will resent me…He says he’s not going anywhere and I believe him. I just wish I could do something, even something little, to help out! I’m searching the web for ideas, but if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. The problem with chronic illnesses of any sort is the word chronic! It’s not going away. I can’t work somewhere, only when I’m up to it. Who’s going to hire someone in that situation?? That’s why I started Beachbody. But I’m not getting very far with that. I fall behind on all the things that I need to do in a daily basis. I keep having these ideas but they never seem to come to fruition. (Hey, at least I had the opportunity to use the word “fruition” in a sentence!! lol) I’m looking for something from home. Especially since my little man will be in school soon, which means I’ll have more time on my hands during the day, but still need to be here for after school. I’m looking into user-testing. Did I already talk about this before?? User-testing is where they send you a brand new app or website or somethings along those lines. Then you try out whatever you’re supposed to and then you either are recorded while you’re doing it, or you write about your experience or answer specific questions. It depends upon what you’re testing and what the py want you to do. They say that they take around 15min to complete and you get paid $10 per test, which, for 15 minutes of work, isn’t so bad. Hopefully I can get on with more than one company so that I can get maybe 4 every week day. It depends upon the company and what they have to be tested at any given time. So, my first step is signing up for the different companies, then they email you when there is something that needs users to test. So, tomorrow I’m doing the signing up and I’ll move forward from there. I’m trying to attract wealth into my life. Especially, or rather, most important to me, is for enough money to publish my book. I know that’s not going to happen overnight. I just think about it a lot, because it’s an important project to me. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Anywho, I’m going to stay positive about it and hopefull. I know that this is the perfect company for me. It just feels “write” – lol, Hee Hee‼️ 

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

Blowing in the wind

I see my spirit fly

It flips and twirls and spins

No need to question why

Dancing with delight

I see my spirit leap

It squeals and shrieks and cheers

Such pure joy makes me weep

Laughing musically 

I see my spirit sing

It chants and cries and hums

About most everything 

Smiling serenely 

I see my spirit pray

It kneels and repents, and praises

Until nothing’s left to say…

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

Feeling awful today. Not just due to my my face though, due to my tummy. Blech! We went to Costco this afternoon. While there I was fine, but on the way home I started feeling horrible. Consequently, my day was pretty uneventful. Once we got home I walked half a block or so with my little man, to hatch his 10K Pokemon-Egg (priorities right…his happiness is a priority to me!). It was just the right distance to hatch it!  Then I tried to be useful, but my stomach was just so awful. Although I felt like I was on the verge of getting sick, even with an awful lump at the back of my throat, I never did throw up, thank goodness!  However, I did lie down for a bit and I barely ate and I’m going to bed early for once!! 

Wow! Who wants to read about me being on the verge of vomiting?!  Here I’ve been writing about trying to get my blog published and I’m talking about vomiting!! So so classy Jenn! (Hee Hee No wonder I’ll need an editor!) That’s actually one of the things I’m worrying about, editing (well, actually, money is my biggest concern, but that’s a whole different thing!)  I know that I need to, at the bare minimum, have someone read through this and find all of the spelling errors, typos and grammatical mistakes. However, the editing that I don’t want is one where, my “voice” changes – you know, the spirit of my writing (whether I’m severely depressed, happy or talking about puke!!) is altered and no longer me. I want it to be me….I do wonder…who in the world would want to read about my life?? Why would someone want to pay to read this? I’m not so special. Is this a ridiculous idea?? I can’t believe that I already talked to someone on the phone about this!! Researched it!  How the hell am I going to pay for this??  I really really want to do this!! That’s the best company in Canada! The highest reviews!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! What am I going to do??? (And that is the wondering inside my brain, right now. A ridiculous loop of not trusting my gut, doubting myself, and worrying when it’s the one thing I want to do,  more than anything in the world, more than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life!! (Other than my kids, of course.). Wow! I need to talk to someone about this! But who? And why does it always come down to money??? (See, this is where I feel sorry for myself…sorry for that😪)

I feel like I have to shake my head. Wake myself up and out of a trance. And once I do, I’m now thinking,  “Shit! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to write about what’s so deep inside my heart and head…”

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

I’m beat! Today was a pretty full day and my face wasn’t great. Right now it’s so bad and I have a fun headache to accompany it…the fun never stops around here! My baby turned 19 today! I can’t really believe it. It sounds so weird to me, I actually have a 19 year old daughter, how weird. It’s strange when you compare how you look on the outside to how you feel on the inside. Not just how you feel, but the way you think. It doesn’t seem all that removed from when I was her age. I mean, realistically, of course it’s changed, but it doesn’t feel like so long ago! Anyway, while I’m talking about it, I want to wish her a very happy 19th Birthday! I love her so much. She came along and changed my life for the better and I can’t imagine my world without her. She’s funny, smart, strong-willed and intense. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried, but I only love her more everyday! Happy Birthday my sweet😘

We didn’t really actually do that much today, but days always feel longer when my face is bad. If that makes any sense. I think that, even though this is super short, I really need to get some rest. I’m just done and in too much pain to think straight right now. So, hopefully tomorrow is better and I can write more. Oh, I did want to say that I talked to a guy today from a place that assists you with self-publishing! I’m super excited to actually try to get this done! Sadly, at this point it will come down to the money. I have a couple ideas though. I’ll keep you posted! The guy I spoke with is from one of the best reviewed company that helps Canadian’s self-publish. Pray for me guys! For relief and for a go-ahead with publishing my blog…Yay! Yay! Yay!

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

Here I am, first night back again and I’m already writing my posts later…sigh. Some habits are so difficult to break. I have this routine that I do every night, but it sometimes goes a bit late. At least my little monkey is asleep, however I didn’t get him into bed as early as I’d planned. We’re still going to be waking up tomorrow sometime between 9-10am. He has school soon, so I have to get him on a better schedule. So, we’re home now, obviously after what I already said above…sorry if I goof up tonight, I’m feeling super-d-duper exhausted. I would have gotten him and myself to bed sooner, but I was busy. When I saw my fish tank it was completely foggy and smelled like rot. Turns out, so,etching got clogged in the filter, so it wasn’t cleaning the tank. Two of my three fish (it’s just a little baby tank) were floating on the top 😧, however, shockingly, my little catfish is still alive. I can’t believe it! I’m not even joking, it was soooo stinky and nasty, I have absolutely no idea how he lived in those conditions.  So I got the filter working and changed as much of the water I could, without freaking him out anymore! My fingers are crossed that with the clean water and the filter actually working, I’ll wake up tomorrow to a clear tank. 🍻Here’s to hoping anyway! 

Tomorrow my baby is 19 years old!! Am I truly old enough to have a 19 year old?? That’s crazy!! I’m falling asleep while writing again. Please forgive any errors…speaking of errors, I found a place online called Tellwell publishing. I’ve been thinking, seriously, about actually publishing this blog. I know I have to go back and re-read them, looking for any errors, typos, spelling mistakes, etc. I don’t know how I’m going to get he word count. I’m thinking that there must be a way to make the computer do that for me. I also have to get Monty together, somehow…I have one idea, but…I don’t know. I may have to borrow the money and pay it back once it’s published and, hopefully sells. Oops, just fell asleep again! Lol, sorry. I have a dear, old friend (old as in we’ve been friends for ages, not old as in age) who has been saying for years, you write the book and I’ll finance it!! So, I may have to call her to see how serious she was. I’m just anxious and excited at the same time. If I’m able to sell enough, hopefully I can afford to pay her back! So, starting tomorrow, I’m going to begin reading through and printing day by day each post in order. Oh my! I feel so nervous and excited that I don’t know which one to feel. I don’t know what my hubby thinks about me doing this. The thing that will bring their him the most will be the money thing – it’s what always bugs him. I’m not sure if he thinks about anything else ever. Just money, being broke, what do we owe, how are we going to pay for this or that… It just goes on and on. He said if he had money like that, he’d put it on the visa bill!!! I mean I get that we have to pay off our credit card. It’s all he ever talks about so of course I know all about it.  However, it hurts that he wouldn’t even give the idea of me publishing a book any thought, when he knows it’s all I’ve ever talked about and dreamed about doing. I have so many people telling me to publish this blog, thanks by the way, that I feel confident about doing so. I know that there are going to be spelling errors and grammatical errors, I just feel anxious about my voice being heard. The best part about reading it is that I don’t hold back! I just talk from my heart and my spirit and I don’t want that to get lost. You can feel where I am on my bad days and can see the transformation from the dark, lost, horrid pain and depressed days to the days where I’m positive and encouraging and funny and silly and  so so much happier. I’m not making people cry anymore!!! I could go on and on about this, however I keep falling asleep. I’m super tired. I ironically just fell asleep again, while I was writing the word “asleep” – lol!! Until Tomorrow – night night!💤💤

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”