Sometimes I Feel So Alone 

Some days I just feel so alone. I’m surrounded by family and love them to bits, but I just get lost in myself sometimes. Or I feel like argh – no one understands no one really gets it…what it’s like feeling like you can’t function. I can’t cook a normal meal without getting exhausted- why is it exhausting? I don’t know. It’s just supper right? Why should that be difficult?? Then it never seems to end…”Mom” “Mom” “Mom” “Mom what’s for supper?” “Mom I’m hungry!” Mom can you do -fill in the blank- with/for me?” “Mom I need a ride to so and so’s house!” “Mom” “Mom” “Mom”  And my husband sometimes gets in on it… “What’s for supper?”  What did you do today?” “Did you get -fill in the blank – done?” I just want to scream!  “NO! I got nothing done nothing at all! I can barely move I hurt I want to vomit I have the energy of a slug I didn’t do anything!! And my fucking face hurts!!!” I know the kids worry and my hubby really worries, he also knows that I feel better when I accomplish something, anything actually. But I just want to scream at them all…”I can’t! I can’t anymore! I’m broken and I can’t get fixed!” My damn house is an embarrassment! And I’m too ashamed to ask someone to help. I wish we had the money for a housekeeper or one of those decluttering professionals. But everything is just bad. There’re piles everywhere you look. Junk, just stuff! What do I want to say when someone asks how I am doing??? “SHITTY!!! I feel like shit and I can’t take it anymore! Thanks for asking!!!”  My hubby and I were going to take a 3 or 4 day weekend, just the two of us to Niagra falls and we need it so badly. So so badly. All the stress is hard on relationships! We need some down time for just us!! We have only gone away together once, on his business trip. I sat in the hotel room and he was gone all day, every day and I think we had one dinner out together, because he also had to work in the evenings. Was it a beautiful, restful time for me?? Yes! But was it time alone, just the two of us? Time to see the man I love not frazzled, stressed, worried about me, worried about money and always busy working? Nope! I can’t even remember the last time we had alone together…I was so so excited to be going! Sick tummy and all. I just couldn’t wait…But, now, his car accident was the final straw financially…I  or, rather, we can’t even afford a trip where the total cost was only about $1000 that’s it! Pathetic right?? He has a deal with WESTJET because of all of his work travel, but nope! Not going to happen anymore. We need it sooo badly. But because of fucking life, we can’t go now. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and scream and cry and rant.  I can’t keep trying to function like everything is hunky-dory…I can’t move without wanting to vomit! I just want to scream!!! Sometimes I feel so alone. There’s gotta be more to it all than this! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m never going to catch up on anything. My house will never be beautiful. Why do I have to be sick anymore anyway? It’s so fucking unfair! Why me God? I don’t understand? I must have done something awful in my past life to deserve this karma. I get so sick and tired of it all. It’s so damn unfair…I have to go fucking lie down, because that’s all that I’m fucking good at anymore!

Wasn’t I in a peachy mood this morning!? Gosh! I feel horrible! What a rant! Don’t hold back Jenn, let it all out! Just so you know, I love my hubby and kids dearly, I just need a break, with some quiet and nothing to do – no responsibilities. Just nothing. Not forever, I realize I’m an adult and this is my life and I need to get living it, the best I can. I just was so so excited about our little holiday. It feels like a punch in the gut that we can’t go now. It just never ends…

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.””Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”

Hey! Let me know what you think! Thanx❌😘❌‼️

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