If only I could learn to practice what I preach! I used to find myself feeling guilty of that, back in the “old days” when I had an actual career. I would work with a family or parents or whomever and I would talk to them about certain techniques, things to try at home, like parenting tools, relationship work or perhaps communication activities. Half the time I’d find that I didn’t actually do some of the things that I was encouraging my clients to do. I know I’m definitely not an “expert” or anything. I mean I’m certainly not one of those who believes that they are so much better than everyone else. I don’t expect people to look up to me or be inspired by me, I find myself surprised and honoured when I’m told that I do inspire…

So, I talk about practicing self-care and then, the following day I have a hard hitting migraine and, do I stay home and relax as I should?? Nope! Of course not. That would only have been too logical and would have made too much sense. And here I sit, far too late again, still enduring that damn migraine! I could have stayed home, taken care of myself and written this then, so that I could go to bed at a far better time! Do I recognize my mistake? Yes. Have I done this before? Yes. Will it happen again? Probably. 

However, (here’s where I explain my “excuse” for making the decision that I made tonight) when you have a really shitty disease that effects and disrupts you and your families life continuously, you begin to experience guilt. A LOT of guilt! I don’t know, because I’ve lost count, how many times I’ve had to turn people down, change or cancel plans and most often the plans being derailed are family plans. Maybe my kids understand, maybe they’ll grow up and need tons of therapy. Maybe my hubby understands, maybe he’ll grow to resent me…time will only tell. He and my children say that they understand. They’ve seen me at my worst and know that the pain that comes with TN is no joke. I only pray that they truly do understand and hold forgiveness in their hearts, because this damn disease isn’t going anywhere! There are cases of people going into periods of “remission” and maybe I’ll have that luck some day. However, until that good fortune occurs, I’m left cancelling, changing plans, disrupting things, etc. This does not and should not mean that I’m not allowed to practice self-care. However, I know that I’m hard on myself and feel guilty about how my health plays out. Yet I still need to take care of myself and my needs. I should not feel guilty for doing so. 

When you’re sick, it often makes things “all about you” and I don’t want it to be like that. I have to find balance. I, obviously, did not choose to get sick. I really don’t want things to be “all about me”. When they are that way, it makes my wanting to do things for myself come across as selfish. Like, “it’s always about you and now you want to…”(whatever it may be.) (Keep in mind, my family doesn’t actually say that, I just over-think things and wonder if that’s what they’re thinking. It’s that old self-critic running the show.) However, I’m trying to practice self-care. If I do so, perhaps I won’t have as many pain episodes…who knows?? I do know that I should print my list that I made yesterday and listen to myself – for once! I also need to believe my family’s words, not what I think they may be thinking. If that makes any sense. If they say that they don’t mind, okay then, they don’t mind, period. Not, I know they said that they don’t mind, but it’s really gotta make them angry that I’m doing this…I am not a child, I need to put my big girl shoes on and accept what they say at face value. At the end of the day, they said yes, it’s fine, then it’s fine. No more  creating drama in my head. I’m just creating unnecessary stress for myself. And if it turns out that they truly didn’t want me to do something, then that is on them for not being forthcoming in the first place. 

So, I’m officially saying goodbye to guilt! It won’t be easy, I’ve functioned this way for as long as I can remember, but it’s starting to wear on me. Bye Bye guilt, hello freedom!!

So, I embark on a journey that includes self-care, without feeling guilt!! Bye bye guilty Jenn.  (It actually takes a physical weight off of my shoulders when I say that out loud. Obviously I’m onto something here!!) I’m adding the guilt-free part to my self-care list!!

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”
“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”