I finally left the house today! Other than checking in on my parent’s house, I’ve been a bit of a hermit since I got home from Nashville. I wish that it wasn’t so damn easy to wear me out! I wish I didn’t get tired as easily as I do and, well, I just wish that my body was healthy 100% – inside and out! I’ve been saying positive, reframed things to myself, in an attempt to attract health into my life. Things like:, “I am healthy and happy”, “I am healthy in body,mind, spirit and soul”, “I am 100%healthy and any remnants of disease is being flushed out of my body”, “I have absolutely no health concerns”etc.etc.  These help in many ways. Learning to reframe negative thoughts and beliefs into more positive and powerful ones help us change our lives bit by bit. If you believe that “we are our thoughts”, like I do. If I hadn’t tried to start reframing what I say and think, if I hadn’t started writing this blog, I’d be the past Jenn, only even wors, I would probably now be about 300lbs, still clinically depressed, taking Ativan for anxiety, completely down and feeling sorry for myself and last, but most definitely not least, I would probably still be practically bed-ridden due to debilitating, cruel pain! If you believe me, thanks for having my back. However, if you’re inclined to believe that thoughts are just thoughts, how could it possibly have such a profound effect on my life, feel free to scroll backwards to my posts at the beginning of this journey. I was really a downer, it was difficult to read (according to numerous family and friends) the depression is what did most of the talking, as well as the pain. They ruled my life. I literally functioned based on what the pain and depression needed. I was told repeatedly how I made people cry. How they couldn’t keep reading. How awful it made them feel. People who were close to me, who I thought knew how acutely I was suffering! Yet, nope! They didn’t. I lost count how many times I heard “I didn’t know it was that bad.” I am always clear when I talk to people about Trigeminal Neuralgia and it’s impact on my life. I don’t stutter or sugar-coat it. I tell people that it is the most painful disorder known to humankind. Then they start reading my posts and they’re suddenly all worried and freaking out, because “I didn’t realize how bad it got.” I mean, what do they imagine when they hear “the most painful disorder known to humankind”, or “It’s often called the suicide disease, because the pain is so unbearable and difficult to treat that many people take their own lives to escape the pain!!” Again, does that not put an awful picture in your mind’s eye? Why the shock then, when I post on bad days? I’m not here to make people feel sorry for me or anything. I wanted to be real about whatever I write; to talk in the moment, about whatever may be flying through my brain. I wanted to just get down how I’m feeling, even when I’m feeling shitty to the max. I didn’t want to holdback, I didn’t want there to be a right and/or wrong with regards to my writing. I hoped people would relate and I thought that it would help me if I had a place to just let it all out. 

I am trying to move away from the annoying habit where I worry tremendously about what others think. I feel weird holding back in my writing. But, of course, I still really do care!  So, if I’ve offended you, upset you, made you cry, or anything else, I do care about you and your emotional reaction! Maybe it means that you now truly get how bad this can be. Maybe it helps you see how depression can suck you down into a black hole. Maybe it introduced you to the true Jenn. Whatever it is, I appreciate the read guys! I tend to say sorry about everything, however, I’m not apologizing for telling it like it is. I’m not sorry for my writing. On the contrary actually, I want to find a way to publish this blog and get it out there. To teach others about TN, Depression and other silent diseases, also, to get my name out there as an “author!!” An actual, real deal author!! For the first time the other day, while I was talking to a lady in Nashville, she asked me what I do and I told her that I’m a writer‼️‼️‼️Yay me!! It felt right to me. However, I need to get something published before calling myself a true writer…right?? Does my poem count??

Anyway, I’m beat! I’m heading off to bed! Night night💤😴💤😴💤😴

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”
“Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!”