Bought new jeans today. I had to because I’ve gained too much weight😢😢. I just hate hate how big I’ve gotten. It just gets me down. It makes me want to hide away at home and not to out. I feel ashamed about it. I know it’s because I just stopped caring…about everything. But, then it snowballed and, of course, makes everything worse. I started to feel even worse about myself and wanted to go out even less. So, anyway, the jeans are skinny jeans and I feel so self conscious with the idea of skinny jeans. My daughter convinced me to buy them. They were a really good deal, so if I hardly wear them I won’t feel bad about buying something expensive that I never wear. I could have gotten more, but I don’t really want to give into the weight I’ve gained. If that even makes sense. What I mean is, I need to start eating better. I don’t want to remain passive about my weight, while gradually buying bigger and bigger clothes. It’s just too frustrating and disheartening. I have never, not even when I was pregnant, in my life been this big. Did I mention that I hate it?? Also, I hate how much this sounds like a pity party.  Sigh… This weeks posts have been such downers. Just filled with negativity and unhappiness. Likely not much fun to read.  I apologize for that. But, sometimes it is just hard to pretend everything’s okay, when it just is not. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but I really really really hope that the laser therapy helps! I need it to help. I am just so sick and tired of always feeling sick and tired. Clearly my antidepressants aren’t working all that well…lol!!

I’m going to stop for now, because I need to go feed my family and I’m just feeling stuck right now. I don’t want to keep rambling on and on in such a negative fashion. I know it helps to talk things out and to write about how I’m feeling. However, I’m just too stuck right now in this murky funk and this isn’t helping right now. I guess I’ll post this and, if I get into a bit of a better place, I’ll write more later. Otherwise, hope everyone has a good easter and enjoy their time with their families. 

🍻cheers🍻

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

Here I am again, nothing new nothing changed

Playing a waiting game

Not sure for what or when

For a chance to start again

Here I go again,  what’s the plan what’s the reason

Singing the same sad song,

To bring about a change

For a chance to start again

Here I sit again, wondering why wondering how

Praying for new direction

To move me on ahead

For a chance to start again

Here I land again, falling flat falling down

Crying out for freedom

To peel me off the ground

For a chance to start again

Here I am again with a chance to start again

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

Hi all. I had a long, rough night, again! I fell asleep fairy quickly last night, but woke up around 4:30 – 5:00 and couldn’t for the life of me fall back asleep. I had one of those dry, tickle in your throat, type coughs that just won’t go away. I’d just start to drift off and then the coughing would start again. That’s a strange expression, “for the life of me.” I think that’s the first time I’ve ever used it in a sentence, or at all. Weird. I’m super sleepy right now. I can’t go to bed late again tonight. I’m just worn out. 

Why do I take forever to do everything? Like everything!! I mean I drive myself crazy!! (And probably drive my my whole family crazy too!) I feel like I always run out of time. I don’t get things done. I start things and don’t finish them. Even at night, when I’m tired and go to get ready for bed. It doesn’t seem to matter if  I feel ready to just collapse, by the time I brush my teeth, wash my face, take my meds, etc., it just seems to take me forever! It’s as if everything I do is in super slow-motion. I know it’s probably a combination of depression, pain and my medication. I’m just tired of the stunted day to day pace of my life. I have no motivation to do anything. To function. I have to drag my butt to get anything done. I’m just filled to the brim with the bla’s. I need to care again. About my life. About something. To find a purpose again. I really really hope the laser therapy next week helps with the pain, because I need a nudge in the right direction. A little push toward the positive side of life…

Wow!  Am I ever having a low, negative week!  Not much fun reading these posts all week. Just mumbled, complaints, whines and a whole lot of bla! So sorry. I’m just not great this week, at all, obviously. I’m going to bed right away. None of this staying up crazy late stuff tonight! I’m so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open right now. 😴😴😴

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

Hate hate hate how I’ve been feeling. Yuck! Sure tired of it. Have a hair appointment tomorrow and some laundry to do. I have to decide what I want to bring next week. Always feel bad, but still worse with this damn bug. I don’t mean to be so whiny. I just want a normal week, or day or I don’t know…I just feel so exhausted. It saps my spirit. It feels like just another thing piled on when I have too much to get done. Also, being spring break, I feel like I should be functioning more. Yet, I’m not. I know my girls need me and I just feel like I’m not there for them. And, sadly, they function well without me. I can turn that around and say that they’re raised well. That I taught them to take care of themselves. But, truly, it just makes me feel bad. I know I need to stop feeling bad about everything. My husband tells me I need to stop feeling bad and saying sorry. That isn’t really new advice given to me. I’ve been hearing that since I was a teenager. And, obviously, it’s advice that I haven’t used to change my behaviour. So, really, I know that I am the own cause of a lot of my own internal anxiety and guilt. I am now and always have been, my own worst critic. I know that I’m not alone. Women, especially, are very hard on themselves. And, right now, I am super tired and my head and face hurt. I should have gone to bed a long time ago. I don’t actually know how it got so late. This is short and short today (not especially sweet, or anything really). I just have no inspiration or anything today. I’m just filled with pain. I’m going to rub gum numbing stuff all over my teeth and then try to brush them super fast, before it wears off. Because my mouth is just bad today…the only person to ever “die” from Trigeminal Neuralgia (other than suicides) was a man who died of starvation. The pain was just too bad and eating caused too much pain. Yes, most people with Trigeminal Neuralgia lose weight, because it hurts too much to eat. Of course, not me. Nope. I get to gain weight because I do nothing, at all, ever. So, yah. The positivity tonight is just rolling off of me. I’m just going to try to sleep now. 

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

I had such a long, awful night last night. I got hardly any sleep and I’m feeling just exhausted today. Don’t you just hate when you’re sick and every time you lie down you can’t stop your nose from running and you can’t breath and you feel like you’re about to sleep, but the coughing also keeps you up…yah, fun right??  So, I’ve had a long, bla day. Spent most of it upstairs with my little man. He’s such a sweetie. I’m a lucky lucky mom. My oldest spent more than half of the day in bed (spring break) and my middle daughter was off with friends from about 10:30 this morning until supper. She’s the social one. She’s so much like me… I am fearing her teenage years. I think we had it easy with our oldest. She is definitely a stubborn one…but we didn’t have to worry about any crazy partying or not knowing where she was, who she’s with, etc. We always knew/know all of her friends, what they were up to.  They often would end up at our house, her friends always seemed to be comfortable here. It’s not that there were no arguments or that she didn’t go behind our backs, or do any other regular teenage stuff, but there wasn’t anything over the top, super hard to handle etc. etc.  But, my middle daughter, who also has some of the stubborn gene (it strangely seems to show up in all of my children – haven’t quite been able to figure out where that came from, lol) is much more social. She’s only in grade 7, but I see it coming. Don’t get me wrong. I love and adore her so so much. I just see her starting to really care about what other people think, the brand and style of her clothes, she gets embarrassed easily…etc. etc.  I worry that it is because of me. Worrying about what others want and think, feeling that I’m not good enough, have to always say or do the right thing, don’t want to look stupid, just low self-esteem I guess. Well, actually I don’t think she’s there yet, I mean her self-esteem isn’t as bad as mine. I fear it’s starting. She’s a dancer, usually pretty confident, but I see that confidence starting to slip. It hurts my heart. This is another reason why I hold such resentment to her current dance school, I feel like the messed up, “clique forming”, system slowing knocks kids down. They chip away at the dancers hearts and self-esteem, until the ones that are left-out slowly start to drop out. It hurts my heart. I know she’s amazing, not just as a dancer, but as a person. I hate when you see kids losing their innocence and their trust. When they realize that the world contains cruelty and judgment. I know she’s in grade 7 and she already knows a lot of this, but I just hate to watch her, well all kids really, as they start to doubt themselves and give up parts of themselves to make others happy or to fit in. It’s just so so sad. When you witness their innocence and little-kid-like behaviours slowly transform.  It is just so sad. It makes me treasure all of the beautiful moments I still have with my 4 year old. To hold onto those times, because I know it shifts and changes. It’s not all bad, but there is a sad sort of farewell to innocence that all parents are forced to witness. It’s not easy, on the kids or parents. But, it is real. So so sad…

And, I have no clue where this topic came from. But, it is what it is. And, because I’m still sick and can’t stop coughing, I’m going to get ready for bed.

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

Still feeling awful today, actually worse. I hate being sick, well I mean with a flu bug.  Not that I don’t hate my “normal sickness”…okay, this is not making any sense or coming out clearly at all!  Sheesh! I’m trying to say that I hat having a flu bug, when your all congested and have that sinus pain, sore throat etc.. I also hate my daily struggle with pain. Was that any clearer?? I’m not too sure.

So my mom and I leave for Toronto in a week (almost exactly to the hour actually!) We are going to a clinic there to see a doctor who uses laser therapy. I don’t know much about it yet. I am reading about it right now. Reading frustrates me now. Which is really sad because I just love to read. I mean I really really love to. A perfect holiday for me would be sitting on a beach or by a pool, somewhere hot, with a stack of books beside me and absolutely no commitments or things that need to get done. Ahhhhh…paradise!! Anyway, back to reading being frustrating. All of the medications that I am taking have a huge effect on my memory. So, when I’m reading, I often have to scan back to “review” what I read the day before because I can’t remember it. Unless you too are a lover of books, you will have no idea how awful that is to me. I miss my brain. (Now I bet that’s a sentence you don’t hear everyday!!) It’s true though, I really miss my “normal” mind. My doctor doesn’t call my meds “stupid pills” just for kicks!  Nope. They’re “stupid pills” because they mess with every single nerve in my body – not just the Trigeminal nerve – all of the nerves in my body!!!  The theory is, slow down the nerve responses to slow down the awry firing of pain signals from my Trigeminal nerve. But science can’t yet pinpoint the exact nerve, so they all react to the meds.  Resulting in a slower, clumsier, dumber, lower-functioning human being, ie: me!!!

I find it so strange where my conversations go. I was intending to write about Toronto next week and laser therapy, but that didn’t really happen and now I’m going to stop for the night anyway. I just really need to sleep. As I sat here writing, my face suddenly started firing away horribly. So, I’m off to bed for now. Perhaps I’ll write about it tomorrow instead.

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

How close can you get?

I don’t know.

Where is the line?

Does it show?

How do you define

What’s okay and what’s not?

And what if we disagree

On the exact spot?

What’s okay for you,

May not be for me.

And what’s okay for me

Is often hard to see.

So how can I tell

What is yes or no?

How can I tell

When it’s too far to go.

How will I say no,

If you cross that line?

And what if I don’t say it

At the right time?

It’s hard to say no

When I feel that knot inside.

So I may just smile

And go along for the ride.

Later, inside,

The pain will grow,

But I’ll probably be too afraid

To let you know.

So, to keep things from going

Way too far,

Help me from the start

To know who you are.

The better I know

The differences between you and me

The easier it will be

For me to see.

Then the line that I draw

Can be made clear.

And I can be around you

Without having to fear.

JKC, 2002

This is “from the vault”. Meaning I had a long day and I’m getting sick. My brain is dialled down…I’m just too tired and can’t put together a coherent thought. So, I opened up one of my old journals and found a random poem that I wrote. This one is from December 15, 2002, according to my journal. That was the year my middle (now 12 years old) daughter was born. I can’t stop coughing and need to lie down. Hope this isn’t too out of context (the old poem I mean) from my current state. One thing remains true, I have a hard time setting boundaries. I have gotten a bit better, but still tend to hide feelings, smile like it’s okay, to make others more comfortable, or maybe to avoid conflict…perhaps both!!  Anyway, I need sleep.  Night all…💤💤💤

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!   

With such poverty and pain

And diseases like cancer,

I find it hard to come up

With a plausible answer.

As to why I deserve,

More than anyone else,

A chance for redemption,

To reinvent myself.

We’ve all been up,

Flying high, feeling good,

Thinking life’s finally feeling

Exactly as it should.

To come crashing back down.

Falling hard, falling fast.

Wondering why all that joy

Never seems to last.

For some, the fall’s slower,

Subtly shifting each day.

And they’re too busy to notice,

Until it’s all fallen away.

Whether by choice or bad luck,

By genetics or fate.

Through stress or disease,

Depression or hate.

Many need a hand,

A hug or a smile.

We all could use something,

Every once in a while.

So, sure, I’ve been sick.

I’ve been up and back down.

But I’m not the only one

To land flat on the ground.

Why do I need a second chance?

The answer’s not so tough,

Love and joy flow in abundance,

There’s more than enough!

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!  

Today marks the first day of the dance competition season for my middle daughter. She is doing hip hop in this years competitions, even though she is also in grade 5 (RAD) ballet regular & exam class, non-syllabus ballet 3, intermediate jazz 1, non-syllabus Jazz 3 & a stretch class. She dances every week day, somedays more then once. I know I’m her mom, which makes me extremely biased, but she really is a good little dancer! She would love to compete in the other dance styles as well, but at the dance school she attends, the teachers choose who does or doesn’t compete. And, they, the teachers (mainly the “head” teacher, I believe) & the parents on the executive committee, don’t like me. It’s a long story, but basically, she competed a couple of years ago, then wasn’t asked to compete again the following year. She was devastated and I was angry. I wrote a very long letter to the teacher, which she really didn’t appreciate. Apparently she would rather not have someone point out how flawed their system is! My mom also wrote a letter because she saw how heartbroken her granddaughter was. I guess this is why they don’t like me?? I find it a bit strange that they were so upset over a letter, as I know of numerous parents who’ve gotten into major screaming, over the top, arguments with the dance teacher, on more then one occasion. I’m usually one of the pretty quiet parents who doesn’t complain about every little thing. All I did was write a letter expressing my anger and begging them to reconsider, and now they will never invite my daughter into performing again. I blame myself for her never being asked to join again. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’m not one of those super annoying, always complaining, always finding and pointing out fault type of parents. For the most part I’m usually quiet, kind and respectful… For pete’s sake, all I did was write a letter!!! Anyway, this year, she gets to compete in hip hop. There is a new instructor for hip hop this year and he just made the assumption that all of the kids in his class compete. (Imagine that! What a strange, refreshing & inclusive idea!!) So, she gets to compete this year.

I am concerned about tonight’s competition because she is super sick right now. Her little nose won’t stop pouring and is bright red, which isn’t that big of a deal. However, she has the most horrible cough!  It’s one of those loud, hacking, almost like a barking sound, coughs. It is so out of control! I’m worried about her getting through the dance without coughing and hacking uncontrollably! She is excited about getting to compete again this year, but it’s frustrating that she has this damn cough. (My words, not hers – lol!!) So, please cross your fingers, send positive healing energy, say a little prayer or do whatever it is that you do to send love and luck to her!!

Here’s the other thing about the whole dance competition scene, I am so not a “dance mom”!! I mean not at all! Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love to watch my daughter dance. I could watch her all day. No, what I mean is that I’m not one of those over the top, my daughter rules, she’s clearly better then everyone, I had her practice 3 hours a day while drilling her, she only wears top of the line & perfect, I might add, makeup, as do I, etc etc… Nope! Not me! I am not to be found anywhere on that scale of crazy. I really stand out, I mean really! I just don’t “fit in”.  My clothes aren’t all Roxy or Lou Lou or any of the other “name brand” clothes.  I do not think that I or my daughter is better then everyone, I’m nice to everyone, not just select people, I’m not living my life through my daughters, I don’t eat, think and breath only dance, I know that the world will not end if she doesn’t get the highest ranks in everything, &, well, I’m just pretty darn sure that most of “those moms” don’t like me, I mean at all! Gosh, it sure sounds like high school – lol!! There are just so many “politics” with this dance school, not sure if that’s the best word really, but you probably understand what I mean. It’s all about who you know, who does or doesn’t like you &/or your daughter, who chums up with the teachers, which students are the teachers favourites, etc. etc. I find it exhausting actually. It feels so much like playing games, picking favourites, signing up on the right committees, you have to look the part, act the part, jump through the right hoops, etc. I just really don’t want to play those games. It’s a bad system that promotes bullying, by the parents &, in turn, by the kids! You and your dancer have to be a part of the right cliques if you want to go far with this dance studio. I’ve witnessed so many children with broken hearts at this dance school, not just my own daughters, and it is heart wrenching! Oh, I also believe that all kids should have the opportunity to compete, if they & their parents want them to! 

I’m thinking that I probably shouldn’t be writing about all of this on here. I’m pretty darn sure that the people who would be super angry and offended don’t read this. But, I’m already on their naughty list. I guess that I’m being hypocritical, saying I’m quiet & that I don’t complain, but then complain like crazy here. I didn’t intend for this to come out in the way it did. I guess I needed to vent. I also need to just keep quiet & let my daughter enjoy this year. Also, not every single person at this dance studio is horrible. I think it’s the whole mamma bear thing, when you see your child hurting, you go into the protector role. I wish there was a way to fix everything, so that my daughter could be taken off of the permanently uninvited list of kids! I would take her to a different dance school so that she could have a fresh start, but I feel horrible a lot of the time, with my stupid pain, and I wouldn’t always be able to drive her to the city. It’s just so convenient going to the local dance studio in our town. 

I apologize for going crazy and venting. This and the previous paragraph are updated, since I can’t really un-post this!! I really do hope that she and all of the other dancers have fun tonight and do well. I also apologize again for my ranting. I truly don’t want to make things worse for her at this studio. I want her to have a fun year.

Here I am with another update! We just got home from the dance festival and my daughters class got gold. Yay yay!!

 To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!  

The time will come

When courage stands up

To face the storm

That rages within me

The time will come

When hope emerges

To replace the doubt

That overpowers me

The time will come

When love shines through

To smother the hate

That now encompasses me

The time will come

When joy sings beautifully

To drown the sorrow

That threatens to consume me

The time will come

When peace stands calmly

To show my spirit

That all is not lost

The time has come

For me to be free

To allow my soul

To come up for air

JKC 

 To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!