So it’s like so so late and I had a very long day. I’ve felt sad all day. Not really sure why. I’m trying to come up with one thing, but l don’t think it’s that simple. Sigh… I don’t like it when my hubby’s away, I worry and cry about things between my sister and I (I feel like I don’t know what to do to repair things and I miss her, even though I didn’t see her often, but it feels like a weight on my chest. What do you do when your worlds collide???), I miss my mom and dad when they’re in BC, I never see any of my friends – or anyone really, I’m exhausted all the time, I’ve gained so much weight it’s just ridiculous, I have no motivation or life really, I think I acted horribly at my mother-in-laws funeral service (I just want a do-over for that day), Christmas is coming and we all have dentist appointments coming (they’re so damn expensive!) we’re broke and I contribute nothing to my family, you can’t walk anywhere in my house without tripping over something, I function so poorly that I’ve dropped my son off for kindergarten late more times than I can count, my husband is asleep on his feet because he does everything, the stupid health insurance company will not cover any of the medicinal marijuana (if I start that treatment) and the cost is around $350/month, my kids walk all over me, it’s like I’ve lost any sense of “authority”(hmmm… wrong word) over them – I’m like a wet blanket that they shake out and walk al over, more like trip over because I’m so damn fat, my oldest seems to think that she runs the roost and has the tendency to treat me very disrespectfully, at the moment I think I probably have the self-worth a flea and the energy of a sloth, the new pain patch isn’t working and the pain’s been bad with it, I don’t think anything will ever work if I don’t find a way to climb out of this black-hole of depression. You’d think that with my profession (or my past profession) that I’d know where to start, instead of climbing out, I feel myself sinking lower and lower into the muck within that black-hole – it’s like the big open throat thing in the sand  with spiky teeth (in Star Wars) it’s dragging me down down down and pinning me to the wall (through my cheek into my gums – just painful) to keep me stuck, with almost no way to escape and it’s so damn lonely and scary and painful and the fight to get free feels insurmountable…

And so, these are the reasons that have my crying a lot and out of the blue, not just because something specific happened (like my mother-in-law passing away). Can you say DEPRESSION????

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Photo of the day: