Unfortunately, I’m having one of my bad days today. I told my daughter that, when we enrolled her in a dance studio in the city, her dad and I would do everything in our power to ensure that she doesn’t miss any classes. However, today, on top of my stupid face, I woke up this morning feeling just awful. I have had a high fever all day and I can hardly move because my skin hurts so so much! My clothes hurt my skin, writing this hurts my hands…yuck! That’s the joy of fibromyalgia. I almost fainted in Sobeys and am seeing stars, literally! My tummy is cramping and jabbing. My problem is that my daughter had to dance from 6:15 – 8:00 & my hubby is out of town & my mom & dad are at their BC house 😒. I drove home from dropping my son off at Kindergarten while feeling like I was going to pass out, again, or throw up, blech! I knew that I shouldn’t drive to the city feeling like that. It just wouldn’t be safe. My hubby said that if I can’t find anyone to drive her, I could call a taxi and have our 18 year old big sister go with her (it’d probably cost a lot, but she really really doesn’t want to miss any of her classes this year.)

I went on a hunt for someone to drive her to and from dance. One of my closest friends in Beaumont drove her there and another friend, who lives in the city and works with my hubby, is picking her up and dropped her off. So, this post is to say Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! I’m not sure if they want their names on here, so I left them out. But I am so so lucky to have friends around to give me a hand. I appreciate it so so much! My daughter is really enjoying dancing at the new studio. YAY!!! No more coming home crying!! YAY!!!

Now I’m going to throw up…pleasant, I know!! Then I’m going to lie down to see if it helps. 

Thanx again!

 To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Why must everything take so long?? I feel like there’s never enough time to get everything that I want to do done. And, of course, the days when there is a great deal to do are almost always the bad pain days. (That’s one of those fun Murphy’s law situations!) 

So hear I sit, it’s late yet again.

There’s so much to do, the list doesn’t end. 

So I’m up far too late, trying to do it all. 

Then I feel so tired, like I’m about to fall.  

I want to push through and get everything done.

But when the first things get done, there’s another one!

Then I go to bed tired and shaking with pain.

And I lie there at nights wondering if I’m going insane!

If you walk through my house, it’d look like nothing gets done.

Even on the days of work and no fun. 

Then I collapse into bed exhausted as can be.

Then I wake up and do it all over, lucky me…

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Moving flowing, running smooth.

No bumps or nicks to interfere. 

Getting closer. Sensing the end.

Can hardly believe it’s almost here. 

Fear and excitement becoming one

A clear direction building inside.

A fresh start, another chance.

Ready to hop on and enjoy the ride!

JKC

I forgot all about my picture of the day. Oops!! 

So, here’s today’s silly kiddos! Don’t know how she managed to get his baby hat on, but they did!! ❌😘❌‼️

  
To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Do you ever feel you’re younger when you’re talking in your head?

Do you wonder where those days went and how time has jumped ahead?

Inside I’m so much younger than what I see in the mirror. 

I see my son and teenaged daughters and remember why I’m here. 

Regrets are really challenges that remind me there’s still time,

To chase my dreams, to play and love, to find another mountain I can climb…

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Had a pretty quiet day today. Didn’t do much at all, but it was nice. I woke up in a really good mood, which is very strange for me. I’ve never been a morning person, but I used to at least get my butt out of bed at a semi-early time (regardless of whether or not I was happy about it!) My little man and I played with dominos and we played some games together on the iPad (those addictive simple ones that you play again and again trying to beat your high score.) My girls didn’t have any of their over-the-top arguments about every little thing you could think of usually stupid little things that most people would shrug off. I don’t remember having as many arguments with my sister; I do remember her being mad a lot because I would wear her clothes without asking her (which my youngest daughter now does with Taylor’s clothes – lol) I’m not saying everything was always sunshine and rainbows, but our disagreements didn’t seem half as bad as my girls arguments (I may be wrong and remember it differently, my parents likely have a whole different perspective – lol) Anyway, today was a good day. From about 4:00 on my face got super bad and it hasn’t stopped since, but that’s not exactly big news is it. I’d rather be announcing that I had a pain-free day than saying my face was on fire, again, flaring red, again, stabbing me with an ice-pick, again… Well, you get the picture I’m sure. My goal for today was to get to bed at a better time. I need to change my schedule and stop going to bed so so late. Actually, I need to change my son’s schedule too. I think I tend to stay up late because he’s up too late. I want some quiet time, to just read or write or do nothing, just quiet time. So, consequently, the later he goes to bed, the later I do. And, with all of this in mind, I’m off to bed right now!! 

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Well look at me. I actually woke up at 8:00 and stayed up!! Pretty exciting news…(doesn’t take much folks, doesn’t take much…) 

I was about to head to bed when I realized that I hadn’t written my post yet today. Yikes‼️ I would have been so angry with myself. I’m so close to the end of the year that missing a post now would really have upset me. However, it won’t be much of a post because I feel exhausted and the pain is over the top today. My face is doing the strange red flare up thing. It’s on fire and looks like it. I don’t know why it sometimes has this strange red flush accross my cheek and other times it doesn’t. All I know is this stupid pain patch that I have on might as well be a bandaid!! It’s doing nothing for me, other than leaving a bunch of that sticky gluey gunk on my skin that takes forever to get off. It brings back that painful moment when the crabby nurse in the NICU yanked the bandage off the back of my head without warning!! (Seriously, she was so so mean!! I was sitting up on my bed talking with my neurosurgeon and she was doing something beside me. Suddenly I felt her hand on my head and she ripped the bandage, along with some hair, off,‼️ No warning at all!) I had such a horrible experience there. Prior to my surgery we had heard so many positive things about the NCIU, but I had just an awful experience! I’m not going to bash  them or say anything else about it on here, it was just my personal experience. 

How in the world did I ever end up talking about this?? Strange. Well, I’m going to stop while I’m ahead. 💤💤

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

I’m feeling a bit better today (emotionally I mean, my face hurts like a “bleep”!!) I have this irritating urge to apologize for yesterday’s post. It’s irritating because people (the vast majority being women) have been apologizing for having depression for years and years. And, despite the influx of education and information about depression, it still carries a huge stigma with it. For the most part, those who haven’t personally battled depression or had anyone in their lives with the disease, people just don’t understand it. It is not just having a bad day or two. It is not just feeling sad, it is not something you can “just snap out of it”, it is not a personal choice, it is not just being lazy nor is it all for attention. Well, it “is not” many ,any things. I’ve been told that instead of taking antidepressants, just go for a run, because your natural endorphins will help you feel better. Seriously! Yes, I will get right to it…some people with depression have a good day if they’ve gotten out of bed and onto the couch. (Oh right, that’s just plain laziness!!) I have friends and family who have won the battle with depression and some who are still ingulfed in it. It is a disease not just an overly emotional person or drama queen or…(fill in the blank here, because, sadly, I’m sure you’ve heard of the many many other things that are said regarding depression.) Studies examining the brains of people who have died with depression show that, when you compare the brain of a healthy person to the brain of a person with depression that there are vast biochemical differences of those with depression. 

So, although I have the urge to apologize about yesterday’s post, I won’t! (Which is huge for me because I’m one of those people who apologize about everything!!) I am depressed. I am not going to be depressed for the rest of my life, but currently I’m swimming in those murky waters and it sucks! Part of the reason I began writing this blog is to find myself in the muck. It is a long journey and I have shared a great deal about my personal and very emotional struggles. I’m certain that I’ll find my way out of the muck, but not over night. This blog is helpful to me. It makes me believe that I will find myself and I will find my way through it, to come out the side new and improved!! This is a difficult journey and I know that my honest posts are often difficult for my family and friends to read (I will not be offended if you choose not to read my posts, because they are too difficult emotionally for you to hear.) However, again, I will not apologize for writing what I write. It is cathartic and despite my post upsetting and worrying people, it is helping me. It’s one of the things that I still actually do and feel good about. I mean I’m almost into December, which means there is one month to go and then I will have kicked some butt and completed my personal challenge!! Yay me!!

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Photo of the day:

So it’s like so so late and I had a very long day. I’ve felt sad all day. Not really sure why. I’m trying to come up with one thing, but l don’t think it’s that simple. Sigh… I don’t like it when my hubby’s away, I worry and cry about things between my sister and I (I feel like I don’t know what to do to repair things and I miss her, even though I didn’t see her often, but it feels like a weight on my chest. What do you do when your worlds collide???), I miss my mom and dad when they’re in BC, I never see any of my friends – or anyone really, I’m exhausted all the time, I’ve gained so much weight it’s just ridiculous, I have no motivation or life really, I think I acted horribly at my mother-in-laws funeral service (I just want a do-over for that day), Christmas is coming and we all have dentist appointments coming (they’re so damn expensive!) we’re broke and I contribute nothing to my family, you can’t walk anywhere in my house without tripping over something, I function so poorly that I’ve dropped my son off for kindergarten late more times than I can count, my husband is asleep on his feet because he does everything, the stupid health insurance company will not cover any of the medicinal marijuana (if I start that treatment) and the cost is around $350/month, my kids walk all over me, it’s like I’ve lost any sense of “authority”(hmmm… wrong word) over them – I’m like a wet blanket that they shake out and walk al over, more like trip over because I’m so damn fat, my oldest seems to think that she runs the roost and has the tendency to treat me very disrespectfully, at the moment I think I probably have the self-worth a flea and the energy of a sloth, the new pain patch isn’t working and the pain’s been bad with it, I don’t think anything will ever work if I don’t find a way to climb out of this black-hole of depression. You’d think that with my profession (or my past profession) that I’d know where to start, instead of climbing out, I feel myself sinking lower and lower into the muck within that black-hole – it’s like the big open throat thing in the sand  with spiky teeth (in Star Wars) it’s dragging me down down down and pinning me to the wall (through my cheek into my gums – just painful) to keep me stuck, with almost no way to escape and it’s so damn lonely and scary and painful and the fight to get free feels insurmountable…

And so, these are the reasons that have my crying a lot and out of the blue, not just because something specific happened (like my mother-in-law passing away). Can you say DEPRESSION????

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Photo of the day:

They want a smile, so I smile

They expect everything to be “fine”

Join the hordes, act like I’m “okay” 

So I pretend and don’t step out of line. 

What are they afraid will happen,

When things aren’t perfect and it shows ?

This facade will start to rip apart, 

Because pain doesn’t care who knows…

JKC

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.”

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

The Photos Of The Day:

 My silly little monkey…
My figure drawing from last night (her head & upper body is too small…darn-it!!!)  
 

I don’t think that there’s going to be much of a post tonight. My face is being so so stupid!! I think my pain doc wants me to try medicinal marijuana. I’m at the point where I will try almost anything, if there’s even a chance that it may help. I need to call our insurance company tomorrow, just to see if they will cover any of it. I also need to read more about it. The whole illegal, but allowed for medical treatment thing has me a bit confused. Time for some research… I’m just not a smoker – at all!! I’ve never been a smoker, ever. Also, my GP doesn’t like the smoking idea. She doesn’t understand or believe that it is all that great to prescribe something that forces you to smoke – inhaling 50% more carcinogens than smoking a cigarette – smoking is not healing!! However, she has a few patients on it nonetheless. My pain doc said that now that you can use a vaporizer smoking is no longer required. That’s good, because I am not sure if I could smoke marijuana, or anything for that matter!! Also, if my hubby’s insurance plan doesn’t cover any of it, it isn’t cheap. The one month “starter pack” is about $350.00. This includes a vaporizer (they aren’t cheap) and 3 different strains of dried marijuana. I feel completely ignorant about all of this, which is why I need to do some, maybe a lot, of reading. But right now I’m off to bed!! It has been a long long day.  Night all‼️

To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health topic list.

Hopefully once day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

It’s time for…(insert drum-roll)

The Photo Of The Day!! 

(Ya, it’s new, but it makes me smile, which was one of the reasons I started writing!!)

  
“No! I am not hoarding the rope toys. Whatever gave you that idea???”