Yesterday an old friend of mine posted on Facebook about her dad dying and she was clearly suffering a great deal. She sounded so wounded and ripped apart. I felt her sorrow deep in my heart. In those hidden areas that we try to deny, the place where I hold and hide the fear about one day losing my own parents or my husband or, …well, you get the picture. So I felt a physical ache in my chest for her. It’s strange having things like Facebook, where we can semi-keep track of old friends and people who’ve moved in and out of our lives. So, you’re more connected than in the past. You see posts every now and then. You see their posts, some we may focus on more than others. But, you have a bit of an idea of where they’re at in their lives. So, when something tragic happens to them, regardless of how recently we’ve seen them, we can witness their experience. We feel for them, now – in the present. So, what do we say?? What would you say?? (Seriously, please let me know if you think it’s okay or over the top or what you would have said.)
This is what I said:
I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s no “right” thing to say to someone, that will instantly make everything “okay”, after losing a loved one. I sure wish there was! I’m sorry to say, but it’ll be super hard and it’ll be a struggle. There will be good days and hard days, happy moments and moments when you feel overwhelmed with sorrow. But always remember he will be with you. Your dad will be holding your hand, rubbing your back, hugging you tightly, loving you always; he IS with you. Yes today was probably super difficult and just sucked!! You may wish you could curl up in a ball and cry the day away. And you know what?? It’s okay! Go for it!! You can grieve however you need to. Grief is one scenario when there is no right or wrong way to do it. You can feel whatever you want and need to feel. It’ll be a struggle today and everyday for a while, but you will get through it. Do not be afraid to ask your family and friends for whatever you need. If it’s time alone for a while, that’s fine. If you need time to be alone with your husband holding you, that’s fine. If you need to stand on top of a table and scream for a while, that’s okay to!! Whatever you need, do it! Again, there is NO right way to move yourself through this pain. Take it one step at a time. Don’t worry about an hour from now or later tonight or even right this moment, don’t worry about anything. Just take care of yourself, without guilt. Then gradually, over time, it will get a bit better. There’ll be a few less tears when remembering him and more smiles. He will be with you, is with you, every step of every day. He will guide you through each day. Don’t be afraid to follow your intuition and to do what you feel in your heart you should be doing or saying. He is taking your hand and telling you what to do, listen. Listen to whatever you feel in your heart, because he is guiding you. I know I haven’t seen you in a very long time, but I’m certain that you’re still that strong, beautiful, kind and loving person that I knew way back when. It sounds like you have so much love and support surrounding you, ask them for whatever you yneed. They will want to help you. They love you. Most people aren’t sure of what to say or do for someone who has just lost a loved one. Tell them what you need to get through this. And, although it may feel impossible right now, you WILL get through today and then the next day and the next, even if it seems impossible, I know you will. Just one baby step at a time.
God Bless. XOX
To help with research and treatment for Trigeminal Neuralgia please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List.
Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!
The Spirit Scribe 