I am slowly lifting to the sky
It feels so right,
Yet I don’t know why.

I feel so light, I could Float away.
I feel so free,
How’d I get this way?

I reach the clouds, they embrace my soul.
I am filled with peace,
I renounce control.

I relinquish fear and expose my heart.
I begin to trust,
I won’t fall apart.

I begin to fly, as I spread my wings.
I am moved by love,
And my spirit sings.

I have found my place, here in the sky.
It feels like home,
I’ve no need to know why.

JKC

Will you just look at me, I have finished writing for today and, according to my iPad, it is only 5:42PM. Yay me!!! I suppose that watching 5 episodes of “Friends” on Netflix, after finishing a movie around 12:30AM, is not such a great idea. I see that now. The end of the movie gave my oldest daughter the “Heebie Jeebies” and she wanted to watch something else before going to bed. We only intended to watch 1 episode, but if you know Netflix, it just plays the next episode and the next and the next – well, I’m sure you get the picture! So, today was an absolute write-off for me. But, I can’t complain too much as it was self-inflicted! Time for supper. Homemade chicken soup that I made yesterday, mmmmmmmm…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

So, I’m watching “Gone Girl” with my oldest daughter, while simultaneously trying to hold ice on my face and write this. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before but I can not multi-task at all. It has taken me about an hour and a half to write these 3 sentences…
And now the movie is over and I was unable to write more than the short paragraph above. What a strange way to end the movie, or rather the book. (I haven’t actually read the book, but I’m pretty sure this movie is based on a novel.) I won’t actually spoil the ending, okay, maybe I’ll warn you not to read the next couple sentences in case I accidentally do give it away, but I, or rather, we (my daughter and I) didn’t expect him to stay. Seriously strange… How could he chose to stay with her? Wouldn’t he be scared for his life, for the rest of his life, not to mention incredibly unhappy? I know it’s just a story, but she was like a first class sociopath right? Okay I’m done now, that is all I’ll say about the movie. No more ruining it for anyone.
Everyday when I wake up, tired, exhausted and in pain I make a promise to myself that I will go to bed early that night. And then, yet again, here I am writing crazy late at night. I don’t know how many times in these posts I’ve said that I need to prioritize my writing. I think that I’m slowly making my husband crazy. He keeps telling me that I can’t function on no sleep and he’s right. So, tonight I have nothing profound or very interesting to say. I’ve had a slow, painful week and it’s only Wednesday. Our kids have no school tomorrow or Friday, so I won’t be having any quiet around here. So, on that note, I should get my butt into bed. Hopefully tomorrow I will find time to write during the day or early evening so that I can actually go to bed early!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Walk towards the light
Because it’s time for me to see
The new person I’ve become
The true reality

Often we expect
The present to mirror the past
Changes throw us off
And they always happen fast

It’s difficult I know
Breaking free from such constraints
But from our habits and routines
Come new pictures from old paints

A new way to see myself
Not afraid of shinning bright
With shoulders down and head held high
It’s time to walk towards the light

JKC

Holy cow! I fell asleep for a couple hours sitting up with my iPad on my lap. I really really need to start writing this at better times!!! Exhausting myself seems to be the opposite of my reasons to write this in the first place!!! I need to prioritize my writing.

Signing off at a ridiculous 2:51AM!!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I was right on the money with my prediction of how exhausted I’d feel today. I probably could have stayed in bed all day without even waking up until tomorrow morning. So, consequently, I was pretty low functioning all day. I declared it an official “do nothing day.” The kids were all tired too. I could tell just by looking at them that they were all pretty much done in. Early bedtime for all of us tonight. I can hardly keep my eyes open myself and it’s only 9:00.
My mom has been following my blog every day and she thought I’d missed a day. But, my personal “rule” that I have for myself regarding writing this blog is that I need to write at least one post every day. And my definition of “day” is any time before I go to bed. Even if I’m writing really late and it’s past midnight, as long as I write before I go to sleep, it counts as that day.
I know that I’m writing this just for myself and that actual “rules” don’t really apply. I just wanted to be sure that I clarified this, if only for myself. After so many years of doing nothing like this for myself, I just want to be certain that I follow through with the commitment that I made when I decided to start this blog. That being to write a post every day for the year 2015.
Writing just feels right for me. It helps me to release any pent up emotions. I am able to think things through and let go of things that I’ve been carrying inside.
Living with chronic pain is so so hard and isolating. Being in pain, not working outside the home, only spending time with kids and your husband, but no one else or just being alone, having to lie down and repeatedly saying “I’m sorry, I can’t do (fill in the blank) because I don’t feel well.” Well, all of this, just wears you down.
Depression goes hand in hand with chronic pain. The pairing of the two disorders is very common. And, it is certainly easy to see why. When you are unable to take care of your kids, when you have to stop working and when you can’t even keep up with the most basic housework, it is really difficult to feel good about yourself. It is such a frustrating and helpless feeling, not being able to pick up your child from school or drive them to dance or cook them dinner or just help with homework or play a game. It’s the simple things, things that most of us take for granted, that you can no longer do. So, you start to spiral downwards. Slowly at first, but as time moves on it gains momentum. The feeling of a complete loss of control over your own life. The sense that you are useless to your family and, perhaps even a burden. Your husband comes home from work, after a long 10 hour day, from a stressful job and the kids haven’t even had supper yet, the dishes aren’t washed, no one has clean clothes to wear and all of the other day-to-day basic things haven’t been done. Simple things you’d do day to day without realizing you’re lucky that you are actually able to do them. So he comes home from work and has to take care of everything at home…well, it’s difficult not to be angry with yourself. Mad at your body and the world for paralyzing you with pain. For taking the career you worked at for years away from you and tossing it aside like a candy wrapper. For punishing not only you, but your family as well. For rendering you useless…
It’s certainly clear why depression sets in. It’s dark, isolating fingers reach up to you and slowly drag you down. Down to a bleak, desolate place where your spirit gets crushed, you’re stripped of any self-worth and you’re left alone, to drown in your overwhelmingly negative thoughts and feelings.
It is here, in this place, that I have been residing for the past few years. I’ve been gradually drowning… I knew that I needed to find a way to climb up out of this pit of despair. That I couldn’t continue going on and on like this. If I did nothing, where would I end up? Would it get worse? Could it get worse? I couldn’t bear to keep on like this. I couldn’t fathom a worse place and I was afraid of what would happen if I let it go on. I needed to do something, anything, to get my life back. To get myself back. My self-worth as a mom, a wife, a normal-functioning human being… this is why I’m writing this blog. This is why I am challenging myself to write every day. This is why I’m telling you this. This is why I needed to try find myself somewhere in this empty shell. I needed to act. And I am.
Yesterday, today and every day this year. I will drag myself out and upwards. I will shake out my soul and reanimate my spirit. One day at a time.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

We are home after a great weekend. Had such a good visit. I’m blessed to have such a sweet friend. Our visits went long into the night. Talking and laughing and belting out all of the “Momma Mia” songs while watching the sing-a-long version! So much fun!!
And now, I am exhausted. Very very exhausted!! The last two nights were so so late and, as payback, today my body said “NO!!!” I guess my two youngest kiddos were trying to wake me up for 2 hours, to no avail. And, once they finally managed to wake me I thought they were kidding when they said it was 12:30PM. My body certainly isn’t used to so much. It has been saying “NO” all day. I’m aching and pounding all along the back of my head where my surgical scar is. And, my face hasn’t been this bad in weeks. So, I’ve likely done myself in for the week…negative, I know. However, I’ve learned that I can only last so long. Definitely frustrating, but worth it. Made some nice memories and had some great talks, which, in the long run, is much more essential!!
And, because my face is screaming at me and it’s hard to hold ice to my face while typing and because I can hardly keep my eyes open, I’m off to bed!!

This is the start of month 2!! Very proud of myself. Feel like, despite it all, I’m at least doing something!!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Had a nice day visiting. So so lucky to have such an amazing friend. Wish so much that we had more time. We so easily get wrapped up in our own lives and then you blink and months have gone by. Suddenly you realize that you haven’t seen anyone or done anything in ages. You’re friends children are 6 inches taller (than you!!) and look at you with shy smiles and their eyes glancing downwards. And you’re thinking “huh, when did you turn into a teenager??” Seriously. Scary stuff these grown-up babies. And if you blink, you’ll miss it all…

Time is so precious.
It seems to soar away.
If you hide your eyes
You can easily lose a day.

Suddenly a month’s gone by
You blinked away a year.
It’s time to stop, to look around,
To see what’s really here.

Appreciate the moments
Day by day as they transpire.
Embrace your time completely.
Life the life that you desire.

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

We are at a friends house for the weekend. Arrived past midnight…after a crazy scary drive in the snow. Have to love Alberta weather!! Probably should have decided to stay home when we saw the snowfall warnings on the weather network. But, it’s been so long since we had a chance to visit these guys and we were looking so forward to it.
My hubby’s out of town for a work “retreat”. Which basically seems to mean a weekend in the mountains with the guys and a football game. They may throw in a meeting, if they’re sober enough to remember it’s a semi-work weekend.
So, the point is, I had to drive. And the 2.5 hour drive took an extra hour. My daughter said we were in warp-drive (or light speed) heading into the speeding tunnel of stars…the only difference is we had to keep going and going… We were stuck mid-warp speed for what felt like forever!! My four year old was wondering why he could see the “air moving” outside his window. Also, he thought we were all alone, surrounded by trees. Which was actually a very accurate description!
So, maybe I should have taken the main highway. But, the traffic reports showed that the back roads were better…if that’s the case, I feel sorry for anyone who had to drive on highway 2.
I miss my visits with her and her kids. She’s a dear friend. Our girls were babies together. We were super close and I miss our talks and visits. I can’t walk across the road for tea anymore…So, I went for it, and we drove here. We made it, despite the stressful drive. And now I will go to bed and try to rest so that we can have a great visit.
Night night…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Thursday. Thursday…

My baby had her last diploma exam for the first semester of grade 12.  Huh…  That certainly makes me feel old. I can’t believe  how crazy that is. She keeps saying that she doesn’t want to grow up. And, I must admit, I don’t want her to grow up all that badly either. It scares me. I just want to protect her and keep her safe, as all parents do I guess. I know we can’t always do that. Truth is, we can’t even do that when they are young and at home. It’s just what every parent needs, their kids to be safe. Somehow when they are under your roof it makes you feel like they are safe.  How many times can I say the word safe…not very poetic today. Kind of stuck, feeling blank.

I’m going to blame it on the pain. I know it may sound like an excuse I use over and over, but sadly it is true. I wish it wasn’t. I really wish that I could use that as an excuse and have it not be true. “Oh, I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come tonight, I have a headache.”  A good classic “I have a headache” excuse. Just because I want to get out of something. I feel like I’m on the exact opposite side of that. If I could have a day without some pain. No headache, no face pain, nothing. “Sure, I’d love to go out for a drink that’d be great!!”

I have practically no life whatsoever. My weekly weight watchers meetings are like my only night out. Seriously, it’s pretty sad. Often, when we do have plans, I end up having to cancel. And why, you ask, why do I cancel? Well, because, “I don’t feel good.” It really feels like I can’t breath some days. I can’t get out of it. It just has me stuck. My life is controlled by my pain. And I hate it, passionately. Especially on the bad days, when I know that the pain is controlling me and not the other way around. When I can hardly function. So so frustrating. I just sit at home doing nothing and it is making me crazy. I know that is why I started writing this. So that, even on these bad days, when the pain rules the day, I can say that I did something. Even a couple simple paragraphs or one sentence. It is a small step, but it is my way of taking the power back. I need to decide.  I can control and decide to write. I can push through the pain, even for a minute or two, and write something. I can go to bed knowing that I made a choice to write every day. And, that I’m doing it. Me.

I am reminding myself that I can call the shots in my life. I may not be working and I may not have gotten out of my house, off my couch or even out of my bed, but I was able to write something. About my day, my kids, my pain, it doesn’t really matter what I write about, what is important is that I wrote something.

I am hoping that taking back a bit of my power, will lead to me taking my life back in other areas. It is moving forwards. Taking a step. A small step ahead. I have been stagnant for too long, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My days have blurred and mashed together. I’ve just barely been going from day to night to day. I lose track of time of day, when to sleep and when to get up. If my kids weren’t in school I wouldn’t know a Monday from a Saturday. They are all a part of the same, unending loop. Wake up, take my meds, get fresh ice, lie down until my face is numb, get up, eat, get more ice, maybe make it to the living room, repeat repeat repeat, go to bed, with more ice and over and over and over again. Well, I’m just feeling so so bla right now and negative. And, now, at midnight, I hear my 4 year old crying upstairs. So, I should go see what’s up with him. And I’m going too go to sleep. Time to reset the cycle and go to bed. Sorry for the crabbiness today. I’m having quite the craptacular week!!  So, I will take my aching body to bed. Tomorrow is going to be busy and I need to get some rest or it will turn into a pretty rotten and long day. So, hopefully I’ll be more on the ball tomorrow. Or at least less negative. I’m having a poor me moment and I apologize. I try not to get like that, but some days I’m just stuck in it. I just can’t shake it today.
Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Why is my brain trying to force its’ way out of my skull?? I mean seriously, I’m afraid to keep my eyes open for too long. I’m carefully breathing through my nose, don’t want to open my mouth for too long in case it starts oozing out. It may find a way out through my left ear, maybe I should put an ear plug in just in case. Of course, it probably can’t make it passed the ice-pick that is permanently jammed into my right ear and angling downwards along my inner cheek and jaw…
Pain sucks😩 I mean, seriously it sucks. I’m just so done tonight! So so done. I’ve been on ‘ignore’ all day. It’s like I’ve put everything on hold, complete with the cheesy music that you get to hear if you’re put on hold for too long. I haven’t accomplished anything…at all! I can hardly focus on anything. Including this. I’m typing on my dimmed iPad and even that mild light is hurting my head.
Seriously…sometimes I find this so frustrating!! I just had 2 more paragraphs that are gone! I clicked “update draft”, but, apparently that didn’t work. I’m feeling guilty now, because instead of re-writing, I think I’m going to lie down. Too hard to focus. I need to deal with my guilt issues. I had a bad day. Because of this, I chose to keep my phone off all day. If I can hardly take care of my kids. I shouldn’t feel guilty about things like writing a short short post or not answering my phone. But, I do. It makes me a bit crazy. I know I do it to myself.
So, I am going to just post this a close my eyes, before my brain actually starts seeping out of them. The pressure is so bad that it has got to be close to succeeding by now!
Until tomorrow then. Cheers🍻

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Thoughts, they come and then they go
Ideas come in and out they flow.
A minute passes, an hour, a day
How much time is hard to say.
Will I remember, will I know
About what we talked just an hour ago?
Will I tell you, maybe not.
What if I honestly forgot?
It gets so tiring, having to explain
Over and over and over again,
That I forget, even though we just talked
And all we said is suddenly blocked.
I’ll explain how it was not my intent,
How everything I said, I really meant.
So please remind me what it was
I promise you were not the cause…
Oh, one more thing before you go,
Are you someone I’m supposed to know??

JKC

A bit silly, but, sadly, this is my brain on drugs…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!