I was right on the money with my prediction of how exhausted I’d feel today. I probably could have stayed in bed all day without even waking up until tomorrow morning. So, consequently, I was pretty low functioning all day. I declared it an official “do nothing day.” The kids were all tired too. I could tell just by looking at them that they were all pretty much done in. Early bedtime for all of us tonight. I can hardly keep my eyes open myself and it’s only 9:00.
My mom has been following my blog every day and she thought I’d missed a day. But, my personal “rule” that I have for myself regarding writing this blog is that I need to write at least one post every day. And my definition of “day” is any time before I go to bed. Even if I’m writing really late and it’s past midnight, as long as I write before I go to sleep, it counts as that day.
I know that I’m writing this just for myself and that actual “rules” don’t really apply. I just wanted to be sure that I clarified this, if only for myself. After so many years of doing nothing like this for myself, I just want to be certain that I follow through with the commitment that I made when I decided to start this blog. That being to write a post every day for the year 2015.
Writing just feels right for me. It helps me to release any pent up emotions. I am able to think things through and let go of things that I’ve been carrying inside.
Living with chronic pain is so so hard and isolating. Being in pain, not working outside the home, only spending time with kids and your husband, but no one else or just being alone, having to lie down and repeatedly saying “I’m sorry, I can’t do (fill in the blank) because I don’t feel well.” Well, all of this, just wears you down.
Depression goes hand in hand with chronic pain. The pairing of the two disorders is very common. And, it is certainly easy to see why. When you are unable to take care of your kids, when you have to stop working and when you can’t even keep up with the most basic housework, it is really difficult to feel good about yourself. It is such a frustrating and helpless feeling, not being able to pick up your child from school or drive them to dance or cook them dinner or just help with homework or play a game. It’s the simple things, things that most of us take for granted, that you can no longer do. So, you start to spiral downwards. Slowly at first, but as time moves on it gains momentum. The feeling of a complete loss of control over your own life. The sense that you are useless to your family and, perhaps even a burden. Your husband comes home from work, after a long 10 hour day, from a stressful job and the kids haven’t even had supper yet, the dishes aren’t washed, no one has clean clothes to wear and all of the other day-to-day basic things haven’t been done. Simple things you’d do day to day without realizing you’re lucky that you are actually able to do them. So he comes home from work and has to take care of everything at home…well, it’s difficult not to be angry with yourself. Mad at your body and the world for paralyzing you with pain. For taking the career you worked at for years away from you and tossing it aside like a candy wrapper. For punishing not only you, but your family as well. For rendering you useless…
It’s certainly clear why depression sets in. It’s dark, isolating fingers reach up to you and slowly drag you down. Down to a bleak, desolate place where your spirit gets crushed, you’re stripped of any self-worth and you’re left alone, to drown in your overwhelmingly negative thoughts and feelings.
It is here, in this place, that I have been residing for the past few years. I’ve been gradually drowning… I knew that I needed to find a way to climb up out of this pit of despair. That I couldn’t continue going on and on like this. If I did nothing, where would I end up? Would it get worse? Could it get worse? I couldn’t bear to keep on like this. I couldn’t fathom a worse place and I was afraid of what would happen if I let it go on. I needed to do something, anything, to get my life back. To get myself back. My self-worth as a mom, a wife, a normal-functioning human being… this is why I’m writing this blog. This is why I am challenging myself to write every day. This is why I’m telling you this. This is why I needed to try find myself somewhere in this empty shell. I needed to act. And I am.
Yesterday, today and every day this year. I will drag myself out and upwards. I will shake out my soul and reanimate my spirit. One day at a time.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!