Seriously a slow slow day at my house. No one is feeling very well. My oldest looks like she’s a vampire she’s so pale. My middle daughter has been coughing for days and sounds horrible and has a bizzarely husky voice when she talks. And, my little man went to bed too late last night (although that was my fault) so he is crying at the drop of a hat. I’m afraid that he’s getting sick too…I hope not. I hate when little people are sick. I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it when any of my kids are sick, but when they’re really young it’s hard. They need you more. They’re more cuddly and touchy, they don’t understand why they feel bad or why you can’t “make it all better.” I do love the cuddles, but it gets hard to do anything else, when they are really sick and want mommy.  And, of course, I don’t feel well either. I know that’s nothing new but it’s so much easier when I’m the only who feels crappy… This really sounds like me feeling sorry for myself which wasn’t my intention. Sorry for that!

So my hubby is going out of town all week for work, which never happens. I know many people whose husbands work out of town a lot. The majority of whom go “up north” to work at the rigs. I always marvelled at how they get by. I feel so dependent on my husband. It’s strange, because it is not how I ever thought I’d end up, being super dependent on my partner. I went to school, under grad and masters. Worked to take care of myself, with or without a partner. I remember my dad talking to me about making sure I can depend on myself and take care of myself. To never rely solely on another person for your welfare. Yet, here I am freaking out a bit that my husband’s going to be gone all week. I realize that I’m a victim of circumstance and that I obviously didn’t plan getting sick and being unable to hold down a job because of debilitating pain. Still, I don’t like how vulnerable it makes me feel when I think about being alone this week. He does so so much at home. He takes care of almost everything! I’m lucky to have him. I’ve read many sad stories on-line of partners leaving in chronic pain situations. Too many. It is understandable, because I see how much is put onto my husband, but it is still very sad. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t here. I don’t want to think that way. I could understand resentment building up. He has no down time, especially on my really bad days. Anyway, this turned into a bit of a ramble, didn’t it? For this week, I do have many friends who have told me to call if I need anything. Also, my parent’s are home from their BC house and will help out if I need anything. It’s just so strange. I also see him worrying about going and don’t want him to feel guilty. I believe I carry enough guilt for the two of us…probably for many more then just the two of us. I know we’ll (the kids & I) be fine. I just have this weird sense of dread in my stomach and it makes me look at how I got to this place. Of dependence on my husband and anxiety about him being gone. Weird…I feel like I’ve lost so much of myself.

Who am I anyway?? I mean right now? Who am I, who have I become? Am I okay with who I am currently?? Something to ponder…

I’ve been changed by my pain…or maybe by the suffering? Whichever it is, Trigeminal Neuralgia has altered things. If you want to help, please go to http://www.tnnme.com (Trigeminal Neuralgia and Me) to sign a petition to have the World Health Organization (WHO) add Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN) to their “Health Topic List”!!!  

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!