So, I looked back at this week and saw that it is one of my lowest weeks for views. (ie: people reading my blog.) So, I decided that I need to ponder this for a moment… Or 8 hours or more!

Here I am many hours later…(I don’t know why I feel the need to point this out. It’s not like it actually changes how you read this…) Anyway, I think that it was one of my most negative weeks, which is a hard won prize, as I’m awfully negative in a lot of my posts. Those of you who know me well, which is probably everyone who reads this because it’s not like I have a cult following of readers or anything, know that I haven’t always been Ms. Negative. But, here I am, ready to be officially crowned, “The Queen Of Negativity!!” (Please hold the applause…)
I kind of seem to plod through my days mindlessly with the goal of making it to night-time. Then I get up the next day and do it all again. It’s pretty sad actually😥. Without my family I’d probably be a complete basket case! They give me purpose and something to focus on. I know that, even if I’m having a really bad pain day, they need me. They make me laugh and smile. Because of them I get out of bed. I am serious when I say that, without them, I don’t know if I would get out of bed…truly.
I know that I need to have purpose and meaning in my life that is just for me. I need to live and do things that make me happy and bring me joy and feed my soul. I need to value myself and my life in and of itself. Not as a mom or a wife or a daughter or a friend. Just for me, for the good of my spirit.
Yet, despite recognizing this core truth about what I need, I find myself lost somehow. I’m choosing to write as an attempt to rediscover this for myself. I am yearning to find that place where I can speak my truth and just be. I hope that by writing, by taking just that moment for myself, to put that yearning for release into words, I will eventually overcome the pain. I need to get there, even if I take one step ahead and three back and then two more steps ahead and four back and three ahead…etc.  Even though I find that I keep running into the same wall, over and again, I pray that I will, ever so slowly, break down that wall. I cannot lose that hope.

Because when the pain arrives my spirit cries…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!