It feels as if just yesterday you were right here by my side.

You could make me laugh, you could make me mad and, Love, for you I’ve cried.

While half asleep, I reach for you; your arm, your chest, your face.

I slowly roll towards you, but I’m met with empty space.

I hug your pillow and breath you in, but the smell is fading away.

I need to feel some part of you, something had to stay…

I frantically throw open the closet doors and yank out all your clothes.

I throw myself onto the floor, as the panic grows and grows.

I burry my face and close my eyes wondering how I’ll live without you

I shake and shake, rocking back and forth, I still can’t believe it’s true.

I know I have to find a way to take one step then another.

The problem is we always said we’d be there for each other…

I catch a glimpse in the mirror and don’t recognize the face I see.

If I can’t see a hint of who I was, I wonder now who I will be?

Our beautiful children now look to me in this new role I’ve been cast.

I know for them I must be strong, but inside this pain just lasts & lasts.

I see their pain, their anger too and together we have cried.

I try to show them how to carry on, for I know you’d wish I tried.

I know you loved me, oh so much and I know they just lit up your eyes.

They miss you Love and so do I, it’s so hard to say our goodbyes…

In the moments, the very quiet times, when I’m alone with just my mind,

Like whispers on the wind, I swear, I hear your voice, from just behind.

I know you’re watching over us and that you’ll always be close by,

Thank you for sharing your life with me, you silly, grumpy guy!!!

I’ll see you when I get there. In the mean time, I love and miss you.

And don’t forget about the rest of them, yes they all miss you too!!

JKC

Last night I was thinking of my cousin’s widow, their kids & my uncle & aunt.  It really made me stop to think about how it would feel if I lost my husband &, well, this is how it made me feel. I was crying while writing this. So, I was intending to dedicate this to her, & still am, but I will not put her name here. She knows who she is and she can read this when she wishes. She is currently on a trip with her kids &, although yesterday was a sad day, I want her & her kids to have a great holiday. We are very sorry that we couldn’t meet you in Calgary. Maybe one day we’ll come to Australia, that’s what my girls would love…take care.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Tonight, not surprisingly, I am extremely tired. I mean extremely tired.

And that is all…

Just kidding!! Sort of. I won’t be writing forever tonight. Last night was too weird. It wasn’t even the best post or anything, I just got started ridiculously late & then it took me a while to even decide what to ramble on about. I did go on & on once I came up with an idea though!! So, tonight, I’m not going to try so hard. I often do better when I let it just flow, instead of when I overthink things. So, I’m going to run with that idea &, hopefully, there will be more than just this short paragraph!!

A cheesy poem for my girl

That’s what she asks of me.

I ran my mouth about its ease

And so she asked to see!

If it’s not hard and takes no time

I’ll wait right here for you.

Just you start, I’ll watch from here

Or is this too hard to do?

Sarcasm and that joking tone

Run through this family of mine!

I wouldn’t possibly add it myself

As if strictly by design…

I said, I did not mean it as a brag,

I love to write, so it’s simple to rhyme!

But we all have talents of our own.

This creates a beauty that’s sublime.

Imagine a world with but one talent,

How bland and monotonous and sad.

Creativity but a lost memory, an unknown.

Something we never knew we once had….

So my beautiful inquisitive daughter,

Take these thoughts both silly and true

And allow my purpose, my love of words

To inspire you to discover what you’re meant to do!!

JKC

I love you…I love all of my children & my hubby. My Mom & Dad. My sister & brother-in-law & my nieces. All of my friends & family. I know I do a lot of complaining &/or whining on here bout my health & my pain, but I am truly blessed & filled with gratitude for all that I have.  Thank you.

Also, I want to let Athie & her kids (my late cousin’s widow), Uncle Roy & Auntie Dode, as well as Cheryl & Dennis that they are in my thoughts & prayers tonight. Today must have been filled with mixed emotions. Many ups & downs I am sure. I am glad that you were all able to be together today to scatter Alan’s ashes. Thinking of you.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Okay, so I am super-d-duper tired!!  I know. Shocking right!!! Today will end up being a very low-functioning day for me!  One of those days where you had plans to at least get something accomplished, but managed to de-rail all or most plans!!  I’m not sure if I’m writing my whole post right now or if I’m just writing something short. I started as a small apology to my 2 beautiful friends who commented on last nights post. Even though today is day 17 or something, I still do not claim to know a lot about the ins & outs of this yet. And, I was writing responses to the comments you made on my post about my not being a morning person, I somehow managed to “trash” both of your comments & my responses. I’m sure that there is some way that I can get them back, but I cannot figure out how!!  Thanx so much for being my biggest fans guys & reading all of the time. I’m blessed to have such great friends in my life!!

And, you’re right, I needed to get my butt into bed far far earlier than I did!! My eyes hurt & are really most happy when I  let them close!!!

Feeling kinda like, hmmmm. What to do?  What to do?   Poem, day to day stuff, serious, funny…or, you know I could be like most normal people and go to bloody sleep!!!!  My hubby always says, “sleep is over-rated!” That’s because he will work himself, both at work & home, until he is completely & utterly exhausted. But, he can, irritatingly so, function fairly well with little sleep.  I, on the other hand, cannot!! Also, he can fall asleep the second his head hits the pillow, sometimes I think it’s even a hair of a moment before his head touches the pillow!!!  I have fall asleep fast jealousy…I usually take forever to fall asleep, regardless of how tired I am or when I go to bed!!  Also, I’m not now & never have been a morning person & I have never claimed otherwise.  I am super tired, however, I haven’t written today & “my rules”, since I’m challenging myself, are that I have to write a minimum of one post per day for each day (all 365 of them!!!) of 2015. So, here I am at a really stupid time when, after a long day, I probably should be sleeping by now. But, I am committing to this, because I have to. I really & truly need to & intend to follow through with this challenge!! I just wanted to be clear. This is important to me. It is not something I want to try out or take a look at or give it a go…no, not at all, this is something that I AM DOING!!! And that is all there is to it!!

And so, I am in decision mode. Some days it’s a no-brainer, like a poem just rolls out of my brain & I write it down or something is going on that I just needed to talk about, so having a minor rant or vent makes sense. Today, however, I’m indecisive.

Hmmmmm…. I’m still thinking of how late it is & how tired I’m going to be tomorrow & what a non-morning person I am!! The other day, we (My hubby, the kids & I) were going somewhere (I can’t actually remember where we were going, so it couldn’t have been that important) & I was pretty slow moving getting ready & into the van, which shouldn’t be surprising to someone who knows me well!!  (Oh &, as one other minor little bitchy vent [sorry hon], why do I always hear that they are all ready to go out the door & that they’re just waiting for me & then, when I’m ready to go, I come down to see that the dog isn’t in her kennel,  my four year old’s stuff isn’t ready, if we need to bring something, regardless of what it is or where we’re going, it’s also not ready yet? I try to hurry, then rush downstairs to discover that all of these things aren’t done yet, so I have to do them, but then, guess who looks even later & slower???) & anyway, to get back to my bad morning personality!! On this particular day, my hubby made a comment in the van something along the lines of, “you seem so tired, if you’d woken up earlier & got moving at a better time I wouldn’t have been so frustrated…[not exact quote, I’m downplaying the colourful language!!]”. I scrutinized him suspiciously, was he trying to be funny or, huh, I couldn’t help wondering if, perhaps he had been possessed or maybe aliens had gained mind control while he had slept, or he could possibly have been cloned…I couldn’t rule anything out!  I mean the man I married knows, he just knows, that mornings & I don’t see eye to eye. So, not wanting to frighten the children about the possibility of an imposter, I tried to act as normal as possible. I mean this was supposed to be my husband beside me. We have a 17 year old daughter  – so we obviously had not just woken up from a drunken one-nighter to an awkward morning trying to make polite conversation over a steaming cup of the “morning after” obligatory coffee.  Nope, this is the man who I have been with for close to 20 years. I hoped a few questions would help me find out if he was just having an off day or if, indeed, he had somehow been tampered (okay yah, that’s a weird use of the word!!) with in the night! I looked at him as he was driving and asked “You do know who I am right?” With an extremely puzzled expression he responded with a simple question of his own, “yah, what do you mean?” I said, “you do know that Tay’s 17 right?” Again with the confused expression, “sure of course, what are you talking about.”  So, at this point I figure, okay, cats out of the bag; he clearly thinks I’m the one acting oddly, which means, he’s likely just fine. So I say, “I was just confused. Earlier, when you were upset and talking about how I was holding everything up in the morning, it felt strange to me, like we had just met & you had no idea that I am probably the farthest possible opposite side of the spectrum from being a morning person. You were acting so surprised, like you didn’t know at all that morning is my nemesis!!”  He just smiled, shrugged, shook his head & laughed all at once somehow!! Lol!!  And that, Ladies & Gentlemen, was all I got from him. No opportunity to try out an exorcism or anything…😜😉

Mornings are when he is at his best. He wants us to do our shopping, running around, cleaning, well, basically anything & everything in the AM.  He would be much happier if we would all just get our shit together & start acting like “normal”…his normal.  His fun & inclusive view that occasionally pops out is basically that if we would all just do it the “right way”, which, coincidentally also happens to be “his way” things would just run smoother…lol!!! I’m glad that, for the most part, he reels this in. Especially when I sweetly tell him that there is no right or wrong ways to be, just different!!  And that it’s okay. Different is good. It brings fun, laughter, variety, perspective & so so much more!!  I’m happier to have a nice, slow, cuddly morning & then get things done in the early afternoon!!!  Our middle daughter is like him in this way, she’s awake bright & early every day. At this point our 17 year old sleeps in just as most her age do – which, if we would let her, would be until 1-2pm!!  Our 4 year old is currently the one who I share my wonderful, snuggly mornings with & I will try to soak it all in while I still can!!  He told me that he doesn’t want to turn 5 because he won’t be able to fit the same way in our cuddles!!!  I just love that little monkey!!

Finally, my sleep pattern has changed a great deal since I’ve been sick. As I so clearly explained, I need to get a lot of sleep, in order to function. I was never that overly bright & cheery, ready to take on the world at 6AM person, ever.  And, since I’ve been sick, I spend even more time in bed then ever before. Some days, on the excruciating days I tell my husband that I need to sleep. That if I can only get to sleep, the pain won’t be there. I wish I could sleep for 24 hours just to out-sleep the pain…I pray for my medication to sedate me enough that it beats the pain & I can find relief in sleep.  So, like I said a really really really long time ago, I should go to sleep now, it is crazy crazy crazy early AM…I just noticed! Well shit!!!  4:23AM!!!  No wonder the pain was getting so much worse!!! I have myself to blame tonight….😴😴😴

I guess this is my weird post for January 16. Haven’t gone to bed yet, so it counts…soooo tired.  Will hope that there aren’t too many errors & that it isn’t too muddled & confusing…I’ll read it tomorrow & edit if I have to. Night all!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Money. Why oh why do you make the rules?

Our needs our wants our dreams are yours.

If we use you wrong, you brand us fools.

Time. Where oh where do you run off to?

Our childhood our experiences our past is your sustenance.

If we take you for granted, we lose track of you.

Love. How oh how do you take control from the start?

Our tears our joys our fears are your playthings.

If we ignore your needs, you brand loneliness inside our hearts.

Yet, Love, if we follow your cues and listen to your desires,

The power of money and time soon expires…

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

If all I had to do was write,

To make a living with my words

To share whatever’s on my mind

No right or wrong, just thoughts transferred.

How freeing such a life would be.

To get to choose my where and when

To devote myself to what I love

With joy my Spirit would shout Amen!!!!

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Thoughts drift in and thoughts drift out,

Some carry truth, but others leave doubt.

Uncertainty leaves dappled shadows on my mind.

Worry eats away once I’ve left words behind.

Life was filled with opportunity, I could choose my own path,

But pain is controlling, wreaking havoc with its wrath!

When did I become so hesitant, so unsure and so vague?

How’d I release my power? Couldn’t I feel my spirit sag?

Pain creates darkness that is cold, bleak and lonely.

I’m longing for normalcy, for just a moment only…

I have allowed myself to be overrun by this pain.

I have to find a way to make the choices in my life again!

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

So, I woke up today with the delectable taste of vomit in my mouth…mmmm! 😱😱 These stupid bleeping pills!!!!  I am so done with them. I have been unable to get rid of the taste all day!! I feel like there’s a lump in the back of my throat that is just holding back the puke…yuck yuck yuck…I am continuing to decrease the dose of these darn pills on my own, & hopefully when I see my doctor next week she will be able to speed up the rate that I am able to stop taking them!!  Last week, since I couldn’t get in with my regular doc, I made an appointment with one of the docs in town.  She gave me super-duper tummy pills, that are supposed to help with the nausea. Here’s the stupid thing, the original pills (the ones I’m decreasing) actually seemed to be helping with my headaches & to some extent, the Trigeminal Neuralgia pain as well. But these pills might as well be called “stomach flu in a bottle”!! At least that would be an apt description for how I feel when I take them!! So, with these strong tummy pills this doc gave me (I’m only supposed to use them for short-term – they are the ones given to patients with nausea from chemo), the biggest side effect is…you guessed it, headaches!!!  Of course!! Because there can’t possibly be a medication out there that actually works for me and has no, or very minor, side effects. I’m pretty sure that would be too much to ask. I mean, if I didn’t have to deal with the side effects from the majority of the meds I take, I would be on so so much less medication then I currently am!!  (That was a muddled sentence – shocking, I know!!!)

And, okay, now I’m having the sense that I may have already written about this last week.  Hmmmm… I wish I could remember!! Ironically, due to another fun side effect, my mind & memory is mush!!!  I’d look back to see, but if I did I’d have to come up with something else to write about. And…since I’m lying in bed with a puke bowl beside me, I really don’t want to end up needing to start writing all over!

Now I’m feeling obligated to look back… I’ll check tomorrow. I apologize in advance if I have just repeated myself from last week.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

Feeling super exhausted today.  Just feel very bla bla bla…Yesterday was a good, but looong, day.  This whole week has been full of ups & downs & stress.  I tend to get worn out easily.  My face pain levels let me know what they think about me overdoing it, getting too stressed or over-tired.  Consequently, it currently feels like I have to forcibly drag thoughts from my mind & even then, they may not be all that coherent! I need to get myself on a better schedule.  I need to prioritize this time, so that my writing doesn’t end up being one of the last things that I do everyday.  I have a hard enough time keeping all of my thoughts together, I don’t want everything I write to be coming from a frazzled, tired mind.  I feel like I’m always playing catch-up.  Always having something that I need to get done.  One of the reasons I chose to write this is because I enjoy writing & I want to focus on myself.  I don’t want to turn this into a chore or something that I have to do. 

If I turn my writing into something negative, it will defeat the entire purpose.  So, with that in mind, tonight’s post will be short.  I will be going to bed at a reasonable time & will not worry about writing more or something that is more entertaining or interesting.  I will take a well needed 5 minutes (at least) to myself & I will take time to send positive, loving, healing energy to my family & myself as I go to bed..  And, I will have a long, restful sleep & wake up feeling healthy, full of energy and ready to begin a new week!

Goodnight!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!

On the way home from my sister’s house.  (These are some icy icy roads!!!) Just had a super tasty supper (bacon wrapped chicken breasts…mmmmm) & carrot cake for my mom’s birthday.

Spent the afternoon with my sister before going back to her house to get ready for dinner (getting ready for supper basically entailed me sitting at her kitchen table, chatting with her & watching  her get supper ready – lol!! [& yes, I did ask if she wanted/needed me to do anything!])  We went to a neat event called “Paint Night”. However, we decided to go to one”Paint Night” at noon…that’s what happens when you get older:  The idea of going to a painting or any type event starting too late is daunting…) Anyway, I didn’t know what to expect & it was actually kind of fun.  If you allow yourself to get past the voice inside your head screaming “I have no bleeping idea what I’m doing!!! OMG all these people are going to see how badly I suck at this!!!”  You know, that positive self-confident inner voice many of us women have!! So, when we were deciding where to sit we were thinking less about the lighting (which wasn’t great at our table) & more about where we could be somewhat on our own, yet still see what was going on.  So, the basic idea is, you’re in a bar setting.  All of the painting supplies are there for you, your job is to show up.  Then you will be instructed by an artist, step by step instructions (sort-of!!!) & you will walk out with a completed (not quite) masterpiece (yah right)!!  No pressure…and, as you’re in a bar, you can have a drink or two to up your liquid courage if necessary or to decrease your sensitivity when you realize that your painting looks nothing like the instructing artists original or any of the other participants…

Positive review by me!! If you’re looking for something different or fun to do on a night out, give it a go.  At the very least you should get a lot of laughs in!!! Yes, I have used a lot of sarcasm…I think it’s how I’m wired!  My sister & I were able to visit somewhat, just the 2 of us, without kids, husbands or our parents!!! (The very first time we’ve had that opportunity in a long long time!!  Missed her❌😘❌‼️)

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!!