A loss of words

In the deafening silence

How do you explain

That he lashed out with violence?

A loss of words

In the eye of the storm

I triggered the switch

And watched him transform.

A loss of words

In that crucial moment

I slammed my mouth shut

I had become his opponent.

A loss of words

As I see his hackles rise

His fists connect with me

This is the part of him I despise.

A loss of words

Because he’s forever rearranging

What is and isn’t allowed

He’s endlessly  changing.

JKC

So, I’m adding this as an after thought. My mom read this & was worried about me. I often write about whatever comes to mind. Also, I try not to think about it & just let words flow. When I still was working I would often write prose after seeing a client. It was a way for me to release whatever I had absorbed from them…kind of like the negative energy. People would often say, if I shared it with them, that it was like I had gotten into their heads. I think it was just a release for me. I am currently reading a book about a woman in an extremely abusive relationship & I’m really involved in it. I was thinking about it when I started writing yesterday. That being said, many of the things I write prose about are personal. It just depends what’s going through my mind while I’m writing. No worries about my hubby & I please. He would rather leave than hurt someone physically. He saw his mom suffer abuse growing up & he does not ever intend to go down that road.
I’m so used to my writing being private. I didn’t think about an explanation, just wrote about what I was thinking about. Sorry guys!!
Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I am so so sleepy tonight that I almost just fell asleep without writing anything! I would have been so angry with myself! Even if all I write is a sentence or two. This is important to me. I feel like I’m writing a book or its my baby or something. And, I must admit, it’s for purely selfish reasons. I think this is super therapeutic and it is making me feel more sane. So, even if I’m the only person that this ever helps, well, my job is done. Inspiring others and having readers are nice, but at the end of the day, I know that it was time for me to do something, something for myself.  I’ve been on a downwards spiral for some time now and I had to find some way to fix it. All the pills in the world aren’t going to heal my soul…
When you live with pain it is very very easy to become hopeless. Especially when even the Dr’s feel that way. We have this preconceived notion that the Dr’s will “fix it” and then we will be fine. But, when it can’t be fixed? Where’s your solution? What’s the solution?
I feel like it’s been this damn waiting game. Waiting for the Dr., see the Dr and tried numerous things, but nothing helped. Okay, now we’re waiting for the “specialist” the neurologist. Waiting waiting and then okay Neurologist plays around with some different meds. None of them helped. Neurologist refers you to the Neurosurgeon.
Waiting, waiting, waiting…Neurosurgeon checks you out, gives you options, can’t decide right then and there, because you have to look at all of the risks. There are some major major risks when someone is going to cut into your brain.  This surgery is called an “elective surgery”. (Because the other option was to continue to live in bed, in pain, for more than 80% of the time – big choice!!) So, elective brain surgery. Guess what this means??? Not an emergency, life or death surgery. So, of course, more waiting and waiting and waiting and calling the Dr’s nurse crying, but told I’m sorry you’ll still have to wait, more waiting and waiting. Lots and lots of times to consider all of the horrible things that could go wrong with this surgery, but at this point I’m hardly hanging on. Waiting and yay, finally it’s time (who knew I’d be so relieved and looking forward to brain surgery???  But, when it’s bad, I’m pretty open to trying anything to get the pain to stop…
Brain surgery. Awful awful care at the NICU…pain and pain and pain (strange how the desire to erase the pain from my face kept me from thinking about the actual pain that I’d experience, the surgical pain…)Can hardly turn my head, can only sleep on one side (was used to falling asleep on an ice pack on the sore side). Oh right, he actually had to shave part of my head and he had to cut through muscle and up under and through bone…why did I not realize that when I woke up and the freezing wore off I would be in horrible pain!!! I mean “hello Jenn, this surgeon is cutting into your BRAIN!!! It might be a tad sore afterwards!!! Duuh!!!” But, on a more positive side, right after the surgery, I wake up and, yay! I woke up (surgeon told us 1-2 people out of 100 die from this surgery!!) And, yay! I know who I am and I know my mom and dad and sister. I know my husband and my beautiful kids. I have not had a stroke, I can still hear, I can see and I have sensation on my face still, so no permanent numbness. Yay. Have to be living to feel pain right??
And then I get to go home (well, to mom and dad’s) and wait some more, until I’m up to going home. Then we all slowly discover that, I’m still in pain. I mean, my face is still in pain, now I just have all of the surgical pain as well. And, as the surgical pain slowly heals, the face pain, sadly and frustratingly remains…gradually gets worse. Huh! Really, after all of that I’m back in the waiting game! Seriously!!! Feel so so much anger. I knew it wasn’t guaranteed to be a success, but I was at a place where I just could not function at all.  Really really put all of my eggs in that one basket, yep. And the bottom of the basket just fell out!!  So, back to waiting.
Waiting to heal. Dr has to pull the staples out of my head and she apologetically explains that there is no nice way to do this. It will hurt and it will have to be one at a time…ouch!!!! Try to go back to normal, bit better than before the surgery. Super tired and slow from healing but not in bed as much. Is a bit better. But is not gone…continue with the meds. Dr wants Neurosurgeon’s opinion. Okay so (he actually made my Dr write a whole new referral to him. As if I’m a new patient…not someone who’s brain he already cut into!!!  And so we wait and we wait and we wait. Finally see him and he tells us I’m going to be in pain for life…can do numbing surgeries, but doesn’t recommend them in my case but, guess what, they are “elective”, so I can choose if I want to or not. Tells us that I should go to pain clinic again, because “you will be in pain always and need to learn to live with it.” It’s only a 1 -1.5 year waiting list! (Key word there was… WAITING!!!!!)
New Dr referrals. We wait and we wait and we wait. New neurologist adds meds, make me ill ill ill. Okay. Stop taking them. We will just have to see what next Dr says…so guess what we’re doing, currently? Here’s a hint, it’s all we do…Yet Again???  Waiting…
WAITING!! Waiting for pain specialist Dr now. And here we are. Appointment at the end of February…so we are waiting and waiting and waiting…I just sit around in pain waiting.
So, yes, wow! I admit that turned into a way off and crazy ramble, but I’m tired of waiting. Waiting for someone to know how to fix this…

So, now I’m writing while waiting and writing and waiting…I’ll deal with the soul healing myself thanx. I’ve had it with all of this waiting around for someone to fix me crap!!  So so done…

Yikes. I need to go to bed. This unintentionally became super negative! But it sure feels good to just say it!! To let some of it out. To admit that, perhaps I’m not okay.
And now, I’m off to bed. If you want more then you can join me with my favourite pastime – yep, you got it, you’ll just have to wait!! Lol (oh and let me know if you need assistance, I’ve become quite the professional at waiting. I should be making money I’m so good at it!! Maybe I should teach a class!!!)

Can hardly hold my eyes open…💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Okay. I found it!! I restored it!!
Oh yah!! Uh huh!!!!
All by myself. I couldn’t sleep. I was so so upset. So, I fiddled and searched and fiddled and searched and
BAM!!!
I restored it. The Power of Love is back baby!!
And all is right with my world…
Goodnight!!
💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

Oh shit!!!!
I just deleted an entire post again…not tonight’s, but one from mid-January!!!! Holly crap!! I am so mad!!!! This system is arg!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even know which one it was or what it was about!
Crap crap crap crap…
And, I repeat, CRAP!!

Erasing a post I’m working on is one thing, but a post from 10 days ago that I accidentally deleted…there’s no getting that back is there? Not from my brain anyway!!! It makes this feel incomplete. My challenge, to write everyday in 2015 NO MATTER WHAT, has been on the ball, not one missed day. And then, while trying to figure out how to change tonight’s post from draft to publish, I bloody delete an entire post!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhh…….
I’m so so so so so so so mad!!!
I’m going to bed. Don’t know how to fix this…
CRAP!!!!!

I can’t get it back…I just tried and tried and tried again. But, it’s gone. I can’t even remember which it is. It is just gone…so so so sad. I write from my heart in the moment. Often I don’t even know or remember what I’ve written. Which is the case now…
Will try to sleep, just very very upset with myself. Damn…

if I look in my STATS I see it was the one titled “The Power of Love”. But it is gone. It can’t find it…

Was watching comedies with my oldest daughter tonight. Pretty late too! I feel like I’m semi-forcing her to watch with me. I mean, not really. It’s just that she’s sick & not feeling well at all. Her pale white skin (she is super fair-skinned, like my hubby) has a yellowish-green tinge to it. So, why do I ask her to watch another movie with me when it is so late?? (More like, why did I, but it is late & I have mixed up present and past tense all through this!! Lol). Well, because I can…because it’s rarely her & I (which she is usually all too willing to remind me of). So, on a night when she isn’t feeling well, the little monkey is busy with daddy & my middle love is watching her own movie on the computer (Netflix!!) , and, I am taking advantage of that!!
It is weird and sad and wonderful, all at the same time, to be watching movies with her that, not too long ago, my hubby and I would not have wanted her to see. Seeing her grown up enough to laugh at the things that, just a few years ago, we would have cringed at the thought of her seeing. Life is so strange. The way time moves and stands still all at once. When my baby is like my friend, yet still my baby all at once. It’s hard to track. And, so, tonight, instead of attempting to understand how she can be so grown up, yet still so innocent & young, all at once, I chose to embrace the “big girl” (according to my little monkey who sometimes calls her “little mommy” & yes, that makes me “big mommy”) side of her.
I also am taking advantage of the time with my oldest because I’m giving my hubby bedtime responsibility. Well, for the little monkey anyway. He’s used to our bedtime routine and so am I. So, the hubby says that he needs to let mommy do things without him…true. He says that he is wrapped up in me and that he will only do certain things with me. Which is true. So, if he wants me to let him go to bed and such without doing everything with me, then I will let him go for it. I know that our girls may not have had such a messed up schedule at that age and that they would go to bed far easier with dad or mom. But, due to circumstance, his (the little monkey’s) schedule is dominated more by my needs, than his own.
He is with me all of the time. All of the time…
His life has been super super close with me…especially when I feel like poo… (Nice technical term I know) Or maybe I should say, when I don’t feel good & I am needing to lie down, my little man has often (almost always) been there with me. So, cuddle time & mommy time has been his life… When I don’t feel good, he’s with me while I’m lying down and, when I feel okay or normal-ish, he’s still with me. So, I guess it’s what he’s used to.
And, well, our habits are interesting things eh… How we just fall into them without realizing we’re doing the same thing over and over again. And, they’re comforting and nice. They soothe us and help us move through life. In our eyes, it’s just day to day, one day at a time. But, when we look back, we see the consistencies. The routines & roles we play. And maybe our routines and schedules are not the same as everyone else’s, but I’m tired of apologizing for them…
I think, perhaps that is my point tonight. Often I write, not sure where I’m headed or what I’m going to say, but at the end I feel like, well yah, that’s exactly how I feel. And, that is it. Yes, my schedule is wonky and out of whack. It is unpredictable and not necessarily 9-5. However, it has been working for us. I realize that, now that this little man is getting older and will soon be in more than just 3 days a week afternoon play school, soon he will have to go to bed at a “normal” time and get up at a “normal” time. But, I will no longer feel guilty for getting by as I have. My life is not “normal”. It hasn’t been in some time. I am in pain a lot. I have good days and not so good days.
And, guess what, I have great kids! They are smart and kind and sweet. They are well-adjusted and happy and goofy. They are loud and argue and cry. We are happy and sad and angry. We are our own normal.
And WE ARE OKAY!!! I repeat, for this who may have missed it, WE ARE OKAY!!
No more “sorries”. For what?? For surviving??? The disorder that I have is often referred to as “the MOST PAINFUL disorder known to mankind”. Search it if you must, just google “Trigeminal Neuralgia” and let me know what you find!! Another name for it, that you will find with your Google search is “the suicide disorder”. This is because the pain is hard to manage and control. That’s putting it nicely. It is because (language warning here) it is fucking awful! Horrible! Brutal!
I had brain surgery for a reason. And guess what, despite all of this, I am here. And, if you missed the message I was trying to convey above…
WE ARE OKAY!!!
NO APOLOGIES!!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Well, now I’m super-d-duper mad! How’s that for a start? Let me tell you something. An explanation. Why am I mad? Because I figured I would type this on the lap top instead of the iPad. And what happened you ask?? Let me tell you…I just accidentally, of course, deleted the entire post that I had started writing. So, yay!! I get to start all over…hip hip hooray!!! Let’s get this party started!!
Okay. Whew. Now that the excitement has passed, I can carry on. Not quite sure what to do now. Starting again is weird. It feels like you can never repeat what you originally said. And, somehow, the second time around never feels like the first. The words don’t come out right or something…huh
I’m drawing a great big blank! I think that’s what I’d see if we could peek into my brain right now. So, for a different topic – working from home!

Recently I’ve been searching around on-line for things that you can do at home to supplement our income. I figure that I should be able to get into something that can help, at least somewhat. But, wow! If you search on Facebook or join any of the “work from home” groups, there is sure a ton of, well, crap to rifle through. So so many “scam” type things. I’ve learned this the hard way. I figured work at home would be, you know, working from home. Well, was I wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I know that many of the “opportunities” are legit, but, wow, many are not. Wow wow wow!! “Spend just $20 & get “fill in the blank here” & by the end of the week you’ll have made $1000!!!” Okay, if this were true, why wouldn’t everyone be doing this?? Maybe the money you make is $1000/week, but that’s likely from all of the people you convinced to give you the $20. And, some of these “offers” can make you that money, but you have to put in the time. No one is making $1000 by doing nothing. So, these have to be weeded through, because you can make money with some, but you have to read the fine print and it helps if whoever signed you up actually stays around to assist you once you’ve joined. If the $20 is for training or something, I get it. I’m talking about the ones where, truly, nothing is to benefit you, the $20 is for whoever talked you into spending your money!!
I’m okay with the MLM (multi level marketing) companies. The majority of these, you sign up to sell products for various companies, you get others to sign under you to create a “team” & they sell products & sign others up, etc etc… I could not believe how many of these companies exist now! I mean, I guess it makes sense & you can reach so so many people now, because of social media. This is likely far easier (on the seller) than the “host a party” ones. However, even the companies that have been around forever that are the “party” ones now also have on-line “parties” that you can host, where no one actually has to come to your home. This likely is much easier, for many obvious reasons. But, one of the biggest benefits (in my opinion), is that you do not have to convince people (friends) to have parties in their homes. (I do think that some people just rock at these parties & I like talking to real people right in front of me, but I wouldn’t be that great at the selling part. The chatting & visiting, I could do!!) I think that one of the things that held me back from joining some of these types of companies in the past is that I don’t want to “sell, promote, suggest” (whatever they want to call it to make it okay) products to family & friends. Especially if I’d like these people to remain my friends – my family is stuck with me – lol!! My husband and I have had this happen with a few of our “friends” and it just becomes awkward and, well, insincere. We got to the point where we just begin avoiding the person, because if they are calling, emailing, or whatever, you just assume they want to sell you something else. I feel super uncomfortable doing that, like super, super uncomfortable…So, the question is, now that I can go onto Facebook, etc to find potential customers, should I join one of these businesses?? If I do, I want to find something that I love and that I use or would use regularly. I figure, if you can find something that you feel passionate about or a product you love, it wouldn’t be as hard to sell and promote the products.

And, the search is on. Will I find something that fits for me? That will be determined. Oh, I did actually sign-up for one of these companies before Christmas. It is a leggings company. The patterned ones that you see everywhere these days. I have not made many sales though. This is largely because I haven’t done a lot to promote it. I guess I can put the link here, but even doing that bugs me. I just have a tough time because it feels like I’m asking my friends/family to buy something from me out of obligation. It just feels weird. So, here it is but I really really am not expecting you to all buy buy buy!! Not at all…I have to promote it online. That just feels better…it is: http://www.mybuskins.com/#LeggingLovers
Oh, and I guess that I’m with another one of these companies. But, I’m more like a customer. I am not an affiliate or a promoter or whatever they call it. This one is Body by Vi. I mentioned that I am doing a weight loss challenge & I am using the shakes from this company. And, they are super good. I mean I’ve had protein shakes in the past & these are truly the best tasting I’ve ever had! Also, for every 10 pounds you lose, the company gives meals to kids. And that is really great. I guess I can put that link too. I don’t really know much about the selling part, because I haven’t actually signed up to sell it. However, they say that if you can get 3 people to use the products, that you get your shakes for free. I’m not even sure if this is correct, but I think it is http://www.spiritscribe.bodybyvi.com.

Well, I’m super tired, so I’m going to bed!! If you know of a good company, or a way to earn extra income from home, let me know!! But, please, no scams!! My husband says that I’m far too trusting…he says it like its a bad thing😢

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Tired tired tired boy
I hold you against my chest
Sleepy sleepy sleepy night
It is time to get some rest

La la lullaby
Let sleep wash over you
La la lullaby
And the moon shines the whole night through

Little little little boy
You need to lay down your head
Sweet sweet sweet one
I’ll tuck you into bed

La la lullaby
Let sleep wash over you
La la lullaby
And the moon shines the whole night through

Dry dry dry your eyes
I will be right here with you
Hush hush hush now
I’ll sing you a lullaby too

La la lullaby
Let sleep wash over you
La la lullaby
And the moon shines the whole night through

Close close close your eyes
Moonlight shines while you dream
Peace peace peaceful night
The Stars set the night agleam

La la lullaby
Let sleep wash over you
La la lullaby
And the moon shines the whole night through

Love love lovely one
Such a blessing you are to me
Night night night my dear
May you sleep soundly as can be

La la lullaby
Let sleep wash over you
La la lullaby
And the moon shines the whole night through
Yes the moon shines the whole night through…

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Yikes. Worse today…so much worse! I hate my stomach being so so sick! It’s just been going on for so long. And, on top of everything else, It is making me so so crazy. 😬😬😮😮😧😧
It’s funny how easily you get used to severe pain (or whatever your “thing” that you have to learn to live with is). I guess it’s called “chronic pain” for a reason. So, really it just becomes routine…an awful one, but a consistent one. And, as for many things, I need to be prepared. Kind of feels like I have a bizarre check-list: Always have an ice pack ready, never run out of pain killers, have all essential oils and nerve pain creams ready, have a water bottle, have “spray stuff”,as we call it, it’s a moisture replenishing spray that I use because all of the medications make my mouth ridiculously dry (some mornings I feel like I’m literally peeling my tongue off of the roof of my mouth!!), have iPad charged or cord around to easily charge, so if it’s a bad bad day, the days we often refer to as “our upstairs days”, I can have all of my son’s games and/or videos ready and, also, have Disney Junior on the tv, (And, please don’t put in your two-bit comments about parenting and tv/video game use. Just don’t. Unless you are willing to come spend 8 hour days with my 4 year old son, while I lie down and cry or try to sleep and/or both, just don’t!!! Besides, I am really good at making myself feel guilty. Really, really good at it. Trust me, I don’t need any help!!) have quick, go to easy meals for the kids, pray that your 17 year old daughter doesn’t have too much homework or plans with friends, have cell phone charged and middle daughter’s friends and dance parents numbers on it incase I need someone to pick her up after school and/or drop her off at dance (she currently dances 5 days a week, sometimes 2x a day), AND so on and so on…It’s like I’m just barely hanging on, but I am hanging on. However, if you add anything else, like nausea, a sore throat, a sick kiddo and I’m ready to snap! It’s like throwing in a curve ball when we were actually playing soccer…it won’t work, it doesn’t fit at all!!! It’s like whoa…hang on a minute and if I don’t react quickly enough – BAM!!! That day is just a write-off. Like, can we all just please act like today never actually happened?? We can just start from scratch tomorrow. Let’s all just go to bed and never speak of this. Are we clear? Never speak of this…and BREAK! (see…now it’s football!!! Can we please have some consistency people???)

I said BREAK – as in, stop what you’re doing, put away the iPad, quit trying to edit & re-edit your post, and GO TO BED!!!!

Yes, that means me, right now, I am going to bed. Goodnight. 💤💤💤

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Well, I guess I am now “editing” my post , because I accidentally hit ‘publish’ after hitting a few random keys! I decided to fiddle with the app, hoping it’d be easier if I could figure out how to use everything better…and that went well…lol. Slowly but surely… At least I got the comments working, I think.

So, I’m very very bla today. Still not feeling great in my tummy – just yuck!! My throat is hurting so so much too. I’m trying to deny it. I just don’t want to be sick, nope nope nope…The problem is, my brain feels super fuzzy and scrambled tonight. I think I’m just tired. So, I think when I say that I’m keeping things short and sweet tonight that I actually will. I just really really don’t want to get sick – Ug Ug Ug. I’m so out of it.

Ever have one of those days where you just can’t keep your train of thought? A day where you feel like you’re only half-functioning, or maybe not even half, probably about an eighth. I accomplished next to nothing all day, yet remain feeling exhausted. Wow, this is super negative tonight! Feeling so out of it! I just can’t shake it.

Short question, then I’m off to bed. My hubby and I are having a discussion about consequences for our oldest daughter (17 year old). Her last day of classes is tomorrow and her departmental (finals) start on Thursday. She has an exam Thursday and then her next isn’t until Monday. She and her friends already have a bunch of plans for Thursday, Friday and Saturday!! (At least someone has a social life…if we let her!) Studying aside, she recently lied about an important (like pass or fail important) school assignment and cut class (which she readily admitted to) and is making us crazy!! (Okay, I know that last one is not a valid reason!! Besides, if she’s making me crazy, getting her out of the house may not be such a bad thing…lol!!!) I won’t go into the details, because she does deserves some privacy. Her defence is that her marks will be “natural consequences” (and yes, she learned that from me!! Lol!!) Anyway, our dilemma is, do we let her hang-out with her friends, ground her, partially ground her (as in allow her to do one of the 3 planned things), take her phone or do nothing? Oh, also, in her defence, she did apologize to me tonight. (We gave her numerous chances to “come clean” and she continued to deny and deny and deny. So saying sorry tonight was important to me.) The lies were obvious to us and that was what was making us crazy, because generally we pretty much talk about everything in our house. So, I couldn’t understand what was making her hold onto this story of hers so tightly, if you know what I mean. And, yes, I remember that it was not easy to admit lying to your parents!! She just had so many opportunities to tell us…
I know, I probably didn’t give enough details for anyone to actually give advice on how to proceed with this. I think it’s more likely that I just needed to write it down because I didn’t know quite what to do with this one…
We’re pretty luck that we have some great kids. And, yes of course, I’m biased, but I know what some 17 year old, grade 12 students are up to and our kiddo and her friends are all pretty great. I love her to bits! And, well, that’s all!! I’m going to go to bed now. My promise to myself is that I’m waking up without a sore throat tomorrow, or a sick tummy, or a head ache, or an electrocuting/ice-pick pain in the face or…
So, until tomorrow!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Well, after yesterday’s very sad poem, I definitely won’t be writing about anything overly serious today. I’m feeling really awful today anyway, so I’m planning on short & sweet. I saw my Dr finally & she said I can just stop the pills that have been making me feel so sick. Assuming that is what has been causing it! If I still feel nauseas next week, I get to go back. Yay!! I hope that it is the pills. I’m sick of unknowns regarding my health! I wish it could be easy…you feel like this,  you take this, you feel better. There are just so so many things involved in our overall health that there never seems to be just a simple answer or solution. So, tonight my answer will be to go to bed early. I can’t feel pain or sick to my stomach if I’m asleep!!  I may have to market this as a pain relief method, just go to sleep and bam – no more pain!! You just have to be able to actually fall asleep in the first place. And, how you do that or what you use to help you to do that is none of my business!!  (Unless I can’t fall asleep myself & you’re willing to share…lol!!)

Why does there always have to be politics & drama involved with so many damn things?? It is so frustrating. You have to say things the right way, in the right tone, to the right people. I mean, I’m not naive, I know there’s a time & a place for saying & doing certain things. It’s just some times, I find myself in situations where I want to shake people or yell out loud or do something, anything to “wake people up” which, of course, I don’t do. Do you know what I mean? When you’re at a meeting and everyone is being polite & saying what is expected to be said, nodding & smiling, while inside I’m thinking “I can’t possibly be the only one here who know this is all just a load of BS!! I mean, why are you all smiling??  I know for a fact that ‘Sue’ over there fundamentally disagrees with everything ‘Frank’ is saying, but look at her go, all smiles & nods…”  That is absolutely one thing that I do not miss about working. Trying to keep all the right people happy.

I’ve been a people pleasing person for so long, you know the ones who say sorry for almost everything, I think I’m just getting tired of it… So today, at my Dr’s appointment, the nurse asks, as she walks me to the exam room, “Do you mind seeing your Dr’s Medical student first today?” Inside I’m screaming “YES!!! Yes, I do mind!!  If you can’t tell, I feel like bleep right now!  My face is clearly being zapped by an electric cord that someone must have somehow, secretly wired into my cheek when I wasn’t looking, I have an ice pick that has permanently been jammed into my ear that some invisible hand pounds on periodically & unpredictably throughout the day (I’m thinking maybe she’s crazy or sick, because she clearly can’t see these tools of torture hanging off of the right hand side of my face…maybe she could see the Dr’s student, while I see my actual Dr.) Oh, and if you stay too close Hon, (I, too, can use inappropriate terms of endearment!!) I may barf on your shoes!!!!!” However, out-loud, I say, “No, of course not. That would be great!!” (Really!!!  I can’t just say, “Sure” or something??) Why do I feel the need to be so damn nice to people all of the time?  Even people who don’t deserve it?? Just nod & smile & pretend everything’s okay…I’m tired of it. It’s exhausting. I have enough in my life to exhaust me, I’ve got to get rid of the unnecessary things – if someone is rude, unkind, bullying or generally pissing me off, I need to stand up for myself. I have to look at it as taking care of myself, not being rude to someone else…especially if the behaviour is done in defence.  I don’t even have to be rude (out loud – lol), but I should at least defend myself.

Huh…something for me to think about. Now I actually have to go to bed.😴

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!