The whole grad dress shopping…holly cow do they expect you to spend a lot of money or what?!?! I was pretty shocked that the average price for grad dresses was at least $500!!! For grad…wow! I don’t know, maybe I’m just cheap, but it seemed outrageous to me. Also, my daughter is itty bitty, so almost every dress we tried on would require alterations as well, on top of the dress cost, of course. And if you want anything with bead work to be altered, the price just rockets, because each individual bead &/or sequin has to be hand stitched. If we wanted it ordered to size we needed to order it before February. I mean, the last thing I was thinking about in January is running out to buy a grad dress. It’s more like figuring out how to cut things short after Christmas spending. So, it was a very very long day. For someone who does nothing for a living but sit at home feeling like shit, it’s exhausting!! We decided we would all go to the mall. Then my hubby could take our younger 2, plus a friend, to buy hip hop shoes and then to Galaxyland. It was fun for them. But, my son apparently shut down and didn’t want to do anything. So my hubby and him didn’t do much. There are not many rides for little little guys there (he’s 4). He decided that he is afraid of heights, learned from when his big, middle, sister does acrobatics with him. Huh…Initially I wondered how high was she tossing him, but then I thought it’s probably best that I don’t know. Yup…don’t want to know. Anyway, my daughter, after grumbling about how little we were willing to pay, finally found one that she liked. It’s the colour she wanted and one of the 2 styles she had been looking at. It fit her everywhere, except for the length, which will make alterations much more affordable. Also, as I was grumbling about the cost and figuring things out on my phone’s calculator and texting my hubby, she sensed my reluctance and we were given 40% off. It was already discounted, but not that much. At that point, I had had enough. It was $70 over the $200 we had wanted to spend, but seriously, finding what she wanted at the price that we wanted was starting to seem impossible. So, yay!! It is done! And, so am I. I am so so done. I’m grabbing the ice pack and turning out the lights!!
Yay😂😂😂😂😂!!!! Grad dress shopping done!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Watching the movie “Lucy” with my hubby and oldest daughter. I know it must sound like all I do is watch movies, but when you’re in pain most of the time, you don’t end up with much of a social life…
So interesting, this movie. Mind boggling concept, what human beings would be capable of if we had the ability to use our brains full capacity. What would be important, how would we function, what could we learn and understand. Philosophical questions and ideas, mixed with quantum physics and life questions regarding purpose and all life and death, as we know it. Then add science fiction and you get an action packed, albeit violent, movie. Makes you think… But, speaking of thinking, I really can’t multi-task very well, as I mentioned once before. So, this is all I’ve written in the past hour and a half! And now it’s over, the movie, not my writing!

My oldest daughter (I know I say that a lot, but I try not to use names on here!) is looking at grad dresses on-line…YES!!! That is what I said GRAD DRESSES!!! How scary is that? How old does that make me? I can’t believe I have a child old enough to graduate in 4 months!! Wow! Also, I received an invite, a couple weeks ago, to my 25th high school reunion. So, again I say WOW! Hard to believe right? I think I was in denial (or I may still be), but tomorrow we’re heading to West Edmonton Mall to go grad dress shopping. It makes it seem more tangible I guess. I have a daughter who is graduating and my 25 year high school reunion is this July!

So now, please give me a minute to remind myself to breath…in and out, in and out…

Okay, I think I’m okay, for the moment. Hopefully I won’t cry tomorrow. My baby is growing up. I know she plans on upgrading next year. So, she should still be home. I just get a bit panicky inside when I think about her being 18. I know that at this point I just have to hope and believe that we have instilled her with the right values and ideals to be a productive, adult, who lives a purposeful life. That’s all…no big😱😱😱 But, adult or not, she will always be my baby and I love her so so much and, because of that irrefutable fact, I will always worry about her and want what’s best for her. And, I know that she will often find my concern for her well-being, annoying or over-protective, but it’s not something I can turn on or off. I think it just came with the package that was delivered on August 19, 1997. As the doctor gently laid her on my chest, I knew that, from that point on, my entire world had changed forever. Life as I knew it shifted in that moment. I knew that I now had a life, other than my own, that I was 100% responsible for and that I would defend and protect without hesitation. In that instant, that vulnerable, itty-bitty human being became my first and foremost priority. Period!! Her life was, and still is (along with my other babies) infinitely more important than anything else. And now, that little baby-doll is graduating from high school in four months and will turn eighteen this August. I can hardly wrap my head around it. Huh…

So, I’m going to bed now. I need to get up and be on my feet all day tomorrow at the mall. I’ve had this horrific, two-sided pain all week and today it has been far far worse. I’ve been alternating my ice-pack from side to side all night. And I know that if I don’t get to bed soon tomorrow will turn out bad. I’m not trying to be negative and I know I need to change how I speak. I don’t need to create more pain by expecting it and repeating to myself that it’s going to happen. It is truly not my intention. I’ve just spent time trying to figure out what some of my “triggers” are.  They ask you to keep a “pain journal”. Then you can look back and see if there are any common denominators on the good and/or bad days. With that knowledge you can make choices to avoid the bad things and do the behaviours that occur on the good days. And, my point is, when I don’t get enough rest I end up feeling crappy the next day! So, instead of writing about going to bed, I’m going to bed.
Goodnight!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Another late night watching a movie with my biggest baby. A Family Channel movie called “Geek Charming”. It was just starting when we finished a show and we just sort of started watching it. My middle kiddo was at a friend’s house and we were waiting for her to get home. Now that we’re into it I just noticed the time. So, I’m probably going to head to bed with only a brief post. I’m super tired and my head is in pain. So does my oldest…she has all day, well, she has all week actually. A stressful week for her. For me as well…so tonight is officially the shortest post to date. But, if I don’t lie down onto an ice-pack soon I may pass out due to the pain…but a short post is still a post. Definitely better then nothing!
So, on that super positive note, I’m off to bed.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Why
An unanswerable question

Time
A wily trickster

Should
A demanding voice

Later
A beguiling distraction

Try
An optional excuse

Please
An ignored beseeching

How
A pleading inclination

Because
An asserted rationalization

When
A projected culmination

Who
An unknown confidante

What
A hidden explanation

Pain
An acute suffering

Hope
A glimpsed freedom

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

A bad day today, pain-wise. I just hate it when it’s this bad. I had a slow slow low-functioning day. It was another one of those days where I end up with ice on my face early in the day and I sit like a lump on the couch and do nothing. I have pain on both sides of my face, which I try to deny. Having Trigeminal Neuralgia sucks and it’s pretty rare, most people haven’t heard of it. Having dual-sided pain is even more rare, so “they” say…(whoever “they” are.) it’s just too much today. I’m not going to write much more than this tonight. I’m really not up to it. Just a hard, shitty day.

My daughter is still super upset. She looks pale, has bags under her eyes and she was hugging me, sobbing at 2:00 in the morning last night. She feels so bad that she didn’t find Leo in time. She keeps thinking about how scared and awful it must have been for her. My baby says that Leo was “her baby” and that she should have been there when she rolled onto her back. I told her it was just a bad accident. We don’t even know how she rolled onto her back, there were no ledges or anything for her to climb on and then fall down onto her back in the area she was in. The only explanation is that she was somehow climbing onto the edge of the terrarium, which has nothing to do with how she was cared for. I know that my daughter understands this, intellectually, but she said she keeps seeing her how she was when she found her on Monday and she keeps thinking of how afraid Leo must have been. She just needs time and it will get better. I think that, because she put so much of herself into getting Leo and that since she was responsible for her, it makes it much harder for her to wrap her head around it and deal with it. I just keep comforting her and reminding her that It’s only been a few days and it will get better with time.
It’s just been a hard week, it feels like it should be over and it’s only Wednesday – lol! I have to get some sleep. The extra strain and stress has done me in. So, until tomorrow, goodnight. 😴

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I know you’re hurting deep inside,
The pain is hard to face.
You’re searching for the reason why?
Your steps you try to trace.

You’re wondering how it came to be.
If you’re just seeing things.
You’re screaming out that something’s wrong!
Denying the ache it brings.

A beloved pet is tough to lose,
You miss them every day.
You don’t really want to say goodbye,
It’s just too hard to say.

I know she was your forever pet,
She was meant to outlive you.
It is much too soon to see her go,
Yet there’s nothing you can do.

I ache inside seeing you so sad,
With your shattered broken heart.
It’s hard to see beyond your pain,
But in time the hurt will part.

I’m ever so sorry that I can’t fix this,
How helpless that makes me feel!
I’m here for you, you’re not alone
And together we’ll help you heal.

JKC

The only thing worse than your own pain is the pain of your child’s…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I’m feeling super sad tonight. Had an emotional day today. After we got home today, from picking the kids up from school, I was upstairs when I heard my oldest daughter screaming. I ran out of my room as she ran in crying for me. She was crying and yelling out “Mommy Mommy, Leo is dead!” I’ve never heard her so scared and upset in my life. I mean NEVER! I was so scared. Leo is, or I guess that now I have to say, Leo was my oldest daughters pet tortoise. She was not even 1 year old yet. She was born in April 2014 and my daughter got her in August. She has been talking about turtles and tortoises for as long as I can remember. When she got a job she immediately began saving money to buy a tortoise. She researched what she needed to buy for a pet tortoise. She searched for a breeder for a specific type of tortoise, the breed that is a smaller size and from a hot & dry climate. When we met with the breeder in the summer to pick up Leo, she was only the size of a toonie. She was so so tiny, so small she almost didn’t seem real, she was toy-like. We’ve watched her grow over the past 9 months. She grew so much it was hard to believe that all she ever ate was leafy greens. She grew to fill the entire palm of my hand. We would put her into a tupperwear type container with water and watch her drink and play around. Just yesterday she was walking around the living room exploring. This morning before my daughter left for school she fed Leo and said she was eating and walking around like normal. Unfortunately, she somehow managed to turn on her back, directly beneath her heat lamp. We’re not sure how she flipped over, maybe by trying to climb up the edge of her little terrarium. Regardless of how it happened, she was obviously on her back for too long. The heat on her belly, combined with being on her back are likely the cause of her death. I’ve never seen my daughter so so distraught…she was crying and rocking back and forth, saying over and over “No mommy no!!” It was horrible. What a helpless feeling. I was holding her and rocking her, but I couldn’t fix it. That is an awful feeling for a parent. Seeing your child hurting, but being unable to do anything to change the situation. It leaves me with an ache in my heart. She wanted my husband to take the terrarium out of her room. She asked me to tuck her in tonight. If she can’t sleep she’s going to climb into bed with us. I love her dearly and wish I could bring little Leo back. Oh. Look at my timing! She just came upstairs. Time for bed. So so sorry baby doll…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I seriously wonder if I’ll ever take my own advice!  Because here I am, yet again, writing at 11:00pm…sigh☺️

I found a book called “You Are Not Your Pain. Using mindfullness to relieve pain, reduce stress and restore well-being.” It has an eight week program of twice daily guided meditations. It also includes a CD. I haven’t actually started doing the meditations yet, as there is some very interesting information about how our brains process pain and about almost reprogramming our brains to react differently when the pain first starts. (I am not very far in yet, so please don’t take my description as the literal synopsis of the book. If it interests you, the authors are, Vidyamala Burch & Danny Penman.)  I am finding it very interesting so far. I just haven’t had much time to read it yet. As always, the intention is there, but I haven’t yet had enough time to actually sit and read. So, I was going to do more reading tonight, but my face is in so much pain that I got tears in my eyes by just washing my face. It sucks 😩😩!! I decided to skip the night cream. I’m going to cover my face in the essential oils that are supposed to help with pain – even thou gh just using the roller to apply it hurts…& grab the ice-pack & lie my butt down &, if I feel a bit better, maybe try a short meditation. I’ve read that even a short amount of time, even 5 or 10 minutes helps.  And, one of my best friends, the one we just visited in Rocky Mountain House last weekend, brought me my “halfmoon om zafu meditation pillow” from her beautiful store! I’m not sure if she wants the name on here.  I’ll find out & add it if she’s okay with it.  It has all natural products, and a huge range of products from cloth diapers to women’s clothing to yoga products to my dad’s wood working (beautiful jewelry boxes, wine glasses, bowls – & yes I’m biased) etc… It’s a great store & I’m so proud of her! She had a dream & went for it! She’s my hero – what courage it takes to follow your dream & materialize it!!  She also brought the yoga pants for myself & my oldest daughter & a t-shirt for myself & my younger daughter, as well as a bra!  All of the clothing I bought the is made from natural fibres, from hemp to eucalyptus to bamboo!! This wasn’t intended as an advertisement for her, she’s just a sweetheart & she brought all of the stuff over today, on her way to get her daughter from her dad’s.  She even snuck the t-shirt for my younger daughter for free, into the stuff I bought & gave me great prices!! Cheers my friend!  Love you muchly – I’m honoured & blessed to have her in my life!!

So, anyway, it’s super frustrating… I’m in too much pain to read & try the meditations, but if I can start using the meditations, they may help the pain. It’s a poopy, aggravating cycle!! To sick to do things that can hopefully help me feel less sick… It’s just so bad right now that all I want to do is lie down & cry & hopefully fall asleep.  Sleep is blissful; until the pain is so bad that it wakes you up. Then you’re back at square one, getting more ice or a heat pack (I just find ice helps more) & trying to go back to sleep!  My hubby comments about how often I sleep, but he knows that I use sleep as a pain-killer, if I can. Probably not the most effective pain-killer, I know, but it sometimes works & that’s what matters to me.

So, I was all set to try to read a bit more with the ice on my face & some drugs in my system &/or at least try out sitting on my brand new half-moon meditation pillow, with my diffuser making my room smell of wonderful, calming, essential oils, while listening to soothing music (a mixture of Enya &  Reiki & other calming music on my “night time” play list.) I looked forward to this…but, now it is getting super late & my 4 year old little man hasn’t been able to fall asleep yet. He’s so exhausted, but can’t sleep! So, I’m going to cuddle with the little monkey on my bed, with my ever present ice-pack on my face & sing to him. He’s inpatiently waiting for me & he has playschool tomorrow, so I have to sign off for now!! Sleep well😴

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I’m going to say what I seem to be saying all the time on here & all the time in general. And, that is this:

I am having such a bad pain day, a bad bad pain day & I hate it so much!! My brain feels like it is about to succeed in its’ relentless efforts to ooze out of whatever orifice is available. Urg

My face is on fire & the ever present ice-pick seems to be wired to its very own generator, which is being randomly turned on & off, up & down in strength, seemingly being operated by an over-energetic monkey who enjoys playing with switches!!! Eeee Eeee Eeee (imagine monkey sounds now!)

I really really need to start writing much earlier in the day.  I just cannot continue going to bed so late!  It is messing with my little mans and my sleep schedule.  I began writing this blog in order to find my way back to health; body, mind & spirit.  However, I know that not getting enough rest relates directly to how much pain I am in.  I needed to find myself again, somewhere in the mess that was left behind following my surgery.  I needed to find a way to start functioning again.  To use my brain for something other than dwelling on my pain & my loss of my career & the other negative thoughts that were continuously circling around my head.  So, my point in this little rant is, I am not helping myself find healing if I am not getting adequate rest!  There is just something about writing that fits with me.  It just clicks. Writing feels like what I was intended to do.  The problem is, I can get lost in it, which is wonderful, it makes me feel like I am living again, but I get so drawn into whatever I’m writing that I easily lose track of time.  I really need to start writing earlier in the day.  I don’t want to turn it into a chore, by leaving it until the last minute, & then make myself write when I should be falling asleep with a nice, cooling ice-pack on my face. I enjoy writing so much & I don’t want to tarnish that.

So…for once I am going to listen to my body &, instead of writing more about how I should be going to bed, I am actually going to go to bed!!

💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Visited friends today. It started out as my hubby going to his friends’ house to play magic (it’s a card game actually officially called “Magic the Gathering” one of the original ones that came before “Pokemon”.) He’s been teaching our oldest how to play and she wanted to try playing against someone other than him. So I suggested we go with him. She wants to practice with them so that she can beat some of the boys at her school who get together to play -lol!! That’d be a nice way to put them in their place! Also, I haven’t visited with these friends in a while, well, I came to visit with the lovely lady of the house while our hubby’s played cards. I know the wording is weird, but I try really hard not to write people’s names on here; to respect their privacy. She has two little cuties, a 4 year old and a 2 year old and our little man really enjoys playing with them. So nice to see them. She was super exhausted because she had to get up at 12:00AM and work until 10:00 this morning and then she spent the day cleaning her house, because they had people (not just us) coming over. There were about 8 guys sitting around the table, plus our 17 year old daughter, playing this game, and wow, do they get into it. We decided that next time, she should come to our house with her boys and the rest of them can go to her house to play magic. Three little boys under 4 running around, screaming, giggling and playing could hardly be heard over the card players. I could hardly hear her despite sitting right beside her. It was like going to one of those lounges where the music is so loud you can hardly hear yourself think, let alone talk to someone else. Very very hard to carry on a conversation! But, despite that, we had a good visit. It had been far too long since we saw them or at least since I’ve seen them. They work with my husband, so he sees them often.
Isn’t it sad how time can pass. I feel like I blink and a month passes. You see someone and talk about how you can’t let so much time pass before you get together again. Then, six months later, you get together or run into each other and say the same thing all over again. And, it happens so easily and with so many people! It feels like time just melts away. I always say “life gets in the way of my good intentions”, but I’m thinking now that that is a crappy excuse! Life is too short. I realize that is cliche, but it is true. We need to live with intention, doing what we love, spending time with people who are important to us, not taking things for granted. There are so many ways to say this and it is not something new or original, but it’s just so true. Life can change in a second. The smallest thing can happen to change it all. Life is meant to be lived! Being sick has forced me to open my eyes and appreciate things that I would likely have shrugged off or not even considered important before. The small things. A “good day” to me is a day without much pain that I spend with my family, maybe watching a movie or playing a game. Nothing huge or over the top, just the basic simplest things.
Living with intention and setting priorities. Doing things you always meant to do. Like, perhaps, writing everyday in a blog…something I always meant to do, but never got around to doing it. Until now!
It’s on baby!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!