Stretching up into the abyss

I fly away alone. 

With head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut

And nothing to atone. 

Soaring up right through the stars,

No need to say good bye. 

I’ll drift afar, on through the night,

Along the darkened sky. 

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

The Universe is sending me a message. Loud and clear. And, as I continue to ignore or not follow through or look further into that message, it continues to bombard me with that same or very similar message, again and again! And I don’t really believe in coincidence or happenstance. I’m pretty darn convinced that everything happens for a reason.  I’ve just been in slow-mo and haven’t done anything more, yet!  The interesting thing is that, over the past couple of weeks, my mom has also been getting sent the same message, with regards to me, my health and my healing. She is my biggest advocat and support. Despite the crappy reason, that being my health, I think we’ve grown much closer since I’ve had Trigeminal Neuralgia. Since my parents are currently at the BC house, it took my momma and I a bit, but not too long, to learn that we are both receiving strikingly similar messages from the Universe and learning of many similar conversations, “chance” meetings, books on quite similar topics, articles, DVDs , well just so many things that we have decided that maybe we should open up those eyes of ours and see if there is anything to all of the information we’ve been receiving. And now that I may have piqued your curiosity, I will be ending this post with one word.  I want to get doing many of these things and perhaps I’ll do so soon. However, tonight it is unlikely. Because I spent the entire day upstairs, in bed. Yep, my little monkey and I had an “upstairs day”. I don’t want to get too negative tonight. I really don’t. So, I am ending on a short word. It is part of some of the information we, my mom and I, have been receiving.

Neuroplasticity. Okay, maybe not such a short word after all, but an important one.  Quick and very basic definition for tonight…because today was bad, very very bad and I don’t want to turn this into a rant again. Instead, I need to sleep!!!

Neuroplasticity: the brains ability to learn in response to experience.  So, the nervous system gets better at what it’s asked to do. It continues to learn, both positive and negative patterns. My current brain has learned to master the pain response. The more and more the pain comes, the more ready my body is for it. So, my body is on top of hitting me hard with pain. It’s learned to get good at it!!! There is a beautiful reversal to this though…and that will be left for tomorrow my friends.  After playschool!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

I got to go to playschool today. Fun fun!! This is my son’s “special week” at school, which means I get to attend school with him all week! Well, he’s actually only at school on Monday, Wednesday and Friday’s, so it’s not everyday. I don’t have to stay with him, but he really wants me to, as it’s one of the only times that parents are allowed to stay. I’ll stay on Wednesday again, but I’m not 100% sure what Friday’s plan will be. I have an appointment Friday afternoon with a pain specialist doctor. The referral was from November, so I need a plan for Friday since I obviously can’t miss the appointment. Hmmm…most likely I’ll just have to give our oldest daughter permission to leave class early so that she can pick him up. Not that this is all that important to anyone else. I’m not sure why I’m actually writing about it on here.  It’s also watching week for dance. And, since my middle daughter dances 5 days a week, with 2 of those days having 2 classes, this means I need to be up and functioning enough to go to her classes. Again I don’t know why I’m writing about this on here. I feel like I’m just running through things in my head that I need to be on top of this week. I’m feeling super scattered and in pain and that’s when I begin to forget things and get nothing done. A perfect example of this was Friday, I completely forgot that my daughter had a Dr appointment after school. I mean I totally blanked! That evening we were talking about something related to her health and I said something like, that’s something we have to remember to tell the Dr after school on Friday. Then we both looked at each other, as the words came out of my mouth, and we both realized in that moment that we had forgotten about her appointment. I felt so awful! I can understand a teenage girl totally forgetting about a Dr appointment, but, as a mom, I’m expected to remember those things for my kids! I was so mad at myself.

I’m not sure why I’m going on about playschool and dance and Dr appointments. I think that I’m just trying not to fall into the negative rambling again, but I don’t feel all that inspired to write about anything else.  It is crazy how much my health, or lack thereof, ends up being all I focus on. It just affects every aspect of my life. So much so that I’ve let being sick and in pain redefine who I am. It is all encompassing. I know that I have to move through this or past this somehow. But I just have so much pain that it takes over. On days like today it is all I can think about. I was actually okay while I was with my monkey at playschool, thank goodness, but it got really bad after school!  I just wanted to go to bed. I din’t feel up to anything. I hadn’t even figured out supper by 6:30! I was sitting on the couch with my trusty-old-ice-pack pressed into my face, trying not to cry. So when my hubby got home from work, exhausted because he’s still not that much better and it was his first day back to work after being so sick, he took our middle daughter to the city to Fabricland to pick up supplies for school. Then, when he got home, he made supper for everyone, while I sat on the couch and continued doing nothing and feeling very very useless…I hate that I can’t always do those things. I hate to see him, completely done, yet still taking care of things at home. I feel like I must be weak or something, because he can push through it and that I can’t. He ignores how tired he is or how bad he feels and does what needs to be done. I surely drive him crazy!! I worry that, slowly but surely, he’ll grow to resent me…

So much for not being negative! Sorry, I didn’t know where that was headed. I guess I needed to write/say it, or it wouldn’t have come out of me.  I am just so so filled with guilt. About my pain keeping me from being and doing things that I believe I am supposed to do; as a mother, a wife or even a friend.  One of my oldest friends has been trying to face time me for so long now and I always seem to miss them, but I don’t face time or call back. Another of my childhood friends is continuously checking in on me and offering to come over and help me with the mess that I live in, but I never seem to connect with her or follow through. Why? I don’t know, I feel like such a crappy friend!  I just feel so drained and bla sometimes that I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone or do anything.  Ahhhhh!! More negativity!! I’m so so stuck!!  I need to go to bed. I’m, obviously, not at my best right now. I feel like shit and it’s likely pretty apparent!  So, before I continue ranting, I am going to bed.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

So, I looked back at this week and saw that it is one of my lowest weeks for views. (ie: people reading my blog.) So, I decided that I need to ponder this for a moment… Or 8 hours or more!

Here I am many hours later…(I don’t know why I feel the need to point this out. It’s not like it actually changes how you read this…) Anyway, I think that it was one of my most negative weeks, which is a hard won prize, as I’m awfully negative in a lot of my posts. Those of you who know me well, which is probably everyone who reads this because it’s not like I have a cult following of readers or anything, know that I haven’t always been Ms. Negative. But, here I am, ready to be officially crowned, “The Queen Of Negativity!!” (Please hold the applause…)
I kind of seem to plod through my days mindlessly with the goal of making it to night-time. Then I get up the next day and do it all again. It’s pretty sad actually😥. Without my family I’d probably be a complete basket case! They give me purpose and something to focus on. I know that, even if I’m having a really bad pain day, they need me. They make me laugh and smile. Because of them I get out of bed. I am serious when I say that, without them, I don’t know if I would get out of bed…truly.
I know that I need to have purpose and meaning in my life that is just for me. I need to live and do things that make me happy and bring me joy and feed my soul. I need to value myself and my life in and of itself. Not as a mom or a wife or a daughter or a friend. Just for me, for the good of my spirit.
Yet, despite recognizing this core truth about what I need, I find myself lost somehow. I’m choosing to write as an attempt to rediscover this for myself. I am yearning to find that place where I can speak my truth and just be. I hope that by writing, by taking just that moment for myself, to put that yearning for release into words, I will eventually overcome the pain. I need to get there, even if I take one step ahead and three back and then two more steps ahead and four back and three ahead…etc.  Even though I find that I keep running into the same wall, over and again, I pray that I will, ever so slowly, break down that wall. I cannot lose that hope.

Because when the pain arrives my spirit cries…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

My mind is stuck in negative,
I just can’t get off this track.
I go round and round in circles,
And I keep on coming back.

I try to think more positive,
Let the good things fill my mind.
I try to fill the emptiness
With whatever I can find.

I step ahead with purpose,
With the need to start anew.
I know I need to change things,
And that’s what I intend to do.

I start my day determined,
Filled with purpose and resolve.
Then the pain strikes uninvited
And I quickly will dissolve.

I fall back into the pattern,
I let the darkness take control.
I feel frustration and such anger
And it swallows me up whole…

JKC

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Friday Friday! Can you guess what I’m doing? Yep! You guessed it. Watching a movie. Again… Yes, I still have no social life. Really. I hardly do anything. Ever. Well, I do some thing’s…

Like:

Play with play dough
Play Legos
Play iPad games
Watch Disney junior/Family channel/movies/etc. etc.
Colour
Fill in other parenting/child related activities here
Hold ice packs on my face
Sleep
Eat…
Okay, so I do engage in the “normal” day-to-day activities that most moms (& dads) do. The thing is, most of it is just limited to our house. So, I go a bit stir crazy. Just in case that wasn’t quite apparent by now. My sanity may be in question. Possibly…hopefully not. Or maybe just some of the time. I don’t know. I think that I just crave something more. But, I have a hard time committing to things, not because I don’t want to do more or be a part of things, because I can not predict how I’m going to feel. I don’t want to take something on that I can’t follow through with. I don’t know if that makes sense or if I’m just rambling. I tend to do that (if you haven’t caught onto that by now!). I think that is part of the reason I chose to write every day. It is a way of making myself do something. I have to rely on myself and follow through, but I can do this from home. Then, on bad days or good days, I’m at least doing something. The only person who would be let down if I didn’t write would be me. It encourages me to at least take that small amount of time to do something for myself. Although, I often leave it until the last minute, instead of prioritizing it. I need to give myself permission to take time for myself.

Right now I’m giving myself permission to go to bed. Because I feel like crap and there are so many darn germs in my house currently that I need to rest. I tend to catch most of the bugs that my kids (or hubby) bring into the house. It’d probably help if I got out more, you know to get fresh air and sunshine! Some vitamin D… Here I am, full circle, back to not getting out much or having a life. Though, I suppose, taking a walk doesn’t require a social life, does it?? Just a bit of motivation and less pain…please!!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

So, today I have a very unhappy 4 year old boy. He cried on and off all last night, while digging into or covering his ear. He also kept telling me that “his neck hurts.” So, since my hubby currently has a nasty case of strep throat or worse and is on antibiotics, I figured we’ve been blessed with the same in our little monkey. The Dr actually gasped when she looked at his ear and said it’s horribly infected and his throat doesn’t look great either. Yay!! Sick kids, or boys, are so much fun (yes, by “boys” I’m including my hubby!! Teehee! He’s actually really really sick, I just like to tease…and, no, that does not run in my family, neither inherited nor learned, at all!!) My husband seems to always skip over the small bugs and just dives into the major sicknesses. Who wants a cold when you can have pneumonia or tonsillitis??!! His throat is so so disgusting right now, I mean it’s so swollen you can see the swelling from the outside, literally. He has hardly eaten in 3 days, because the inside of his throat has nasty, gross, puss-type loveliness going on (that is truly the closest I can get to describing it without throwing up a little in my mouth…). And, why do I share this detail with you, you ask?? Well, because my darling hubby thought it’d be a good idea to take a photo of the back of his throat! And, of course, because cameras on our phones are so spectacularly good at capturing everything in high def’, I got the honour of seeing the lovely situation in far far more glorious detail than I wanted!! Seriously, who does that!!?? He asks me if I want to see a photo and Bam!! Can I please change my answer here?? No!! I do not want to see a photo! Of course, he also showed our kids and oldest daughter’s friend and probably the neighbours and, well, it’s likely that if you went to his Facebook page you could also have the pleasure of viewing the nastiness first hand. I know that you can release inner emotions and work through trauma through writing. So, I decided that maybe if I shared this lovely little snapshot of my day, perhaps I’d be able to purge the memory of that photo from my mind. FOREVER!! Unfortunately, however, the opposite seems to be happening. That is, instead of releasing this image from my memory forever, it is just adding hyper-focus.
Huh…I guess the whole “writing to work through and release emotions” thing isn’t true 100% of the time. I know I now carry an even more vivid picture in my mind…Well, at least I’m not the only one!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

My house is so nice and quiet right now. It is a rare thing. Usually there’s talking or laughing or loud voices or the television or something. It seems like the house is taking a deep breath, sort of like the quiet before a storm. The quiet is nice, but also strange when you’re used to the craziness. It leaves me torn. I appreciate the quiet time to myself, it’s not something I get very often. And I usually don’t really get to take the time to enjoy it, as there’s always something that I need to get done. However, it feels like something is missing when the house is this silent. And, I have to run out and get the missing noise makers right now.

Have a snoozy sense of the bla’s,
No skip or tra la la’s.
No energy, drive or ounce of pep,
I can’t take a single step.

I wish I had my old self back,
When everything was still on track
No headaches or hurt or shooting pain
And nothing wrong with my stupid brain…

I’m obviously having a crappy night,
With pain in my face, both left side and right!
So I’m taking my crabby ass to bed,
Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be more positive instead!

Argh…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

Another day another late post…
Having such a bad bad day…or week or two…or maybe month…year???
Yeah, well that’s about where I’m at today. Another doubly whammy! Pain on both sides again and I’m so so tired of it. One sided nerve pain is bad enough, but on both sides it’s kind of a cruel kind of torture. I apologize for always being so crabby, negative and full of complaints. Could be because some days it’s all I know. I alternated the ice pack side to side all day. Finished my pain pills😥 Used my essential oils and a capsaicin pepper heat rub and special nerve pain cream and, yep, still burning and lightening strikes all through my face. I also apologize for last nights rambling and unfinished poem fail. I had a bad hit of pain…I know, nothing new right? It’s true, it’s the norm for me. Pain and I seem to go hand in hand and I truly truly hate it, but some days are truly worse than others, there’ve just been a whole lot of really bad recently. I have so many intentions and things I plan to do during the day, to change things maybe my routine or something. However, I wake up and still feel shitty and have things, regular day to day things, that need to get done and, when and/or if they get finished, I’m usually done for. I have enough energy left to, maybe, I don’t know, go to bed, if I’m lucky. Or, perhaps sit on the couch doing nothing at all. Yes, that is my fun-filled, action-packed and eventful life. Please hold back on the jealousy, trust me, there’s enough pain to go around…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!

New dishwasher!!!!  Yay!!  I’m So excited!! Yes, that’s right, we will have a dishwasher that actually works.  Apparently you don’t even have to wash the dishes before putting them into the dishwasher!! What a foreign concept!  I know I show my age when new appliances make me so excited. We also got a new stove a few weeks ago and at the time my four year old son thought it was funny to be excited about a stove. But, the stove was the very first major appliance that I got brand new. As in, going to Sears, looking around and ordering the stove we wanted…Sad right?? But, it’s true, we’ve always had second hand appliances. And, don’t get me wrong, I very much appreciated the gifted ones, but I’m super excited to have brand, spanking new appliances.

I feel the pain begin to start,
A jagged zap that bursts in unannounced.
No slow approach or minor touch
Instead it blows my brain apart!

I feel my body tense right up,
A reaction automatic to the pains’ assault.
No time to plan how best to act
The pain overflows my cup.

The pain explodes into my face,
In shattering streaks of lightning strikes,
No escaping the relentless attack
It consumes every possible space.

Huh…I can’t escape the pain right now. I can’t think straight or write anymore. I feel like I’m under attack. I’m stopping now. Sorry…

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!