I got to go to playschool today. Fun fun!! This is my son’s “special week” at school, which means I get to attend school with him all week! Well, he’s actually only at school on Monday, Wednesday and Friday’s, so it’s not everyday. I don’t have to stay with him, but he really wants me to, as it’s one of the only times that parents are allowed to stay. I’ll stay on Wednesday again, but I’m not 100% sure what Friday’s plan will be. I have an appointment Friday afternoon with a pain specialist doctor. The referral was from November, so I need a plan for Friday since I obviously can’t miss the appointment. Hmmm…most likely I’ll just have to give our oldest daughter permission to leave class early so that she can pick him up. Not that this is all that important to anyone else. I’m not sure why I’m actually writing about it on here.  It’s also watching week for dance. And, since my middle daughter dances 5 days a week, with 2 of those days having 2 classes, this means I need to be up and functioning enough to go to her classes. Again I don’t know why I’m writing about this on here. I feel like I’m just running through things in my head that I need to be on top of this week. I’m feeling super scattered and in pain and that’s when I begin to forget things and get nothing done. A perfect example of this was Friday, I completely forgot that my daughter had a Dr appointment after school. I mean I totally blanked! That evening we were talking about something related to her health and I said something like, that’s something we have to remember to tell the Dr after school on Friday. Then we both looked at each other, as the words came out of my mouth, and we both realized in that moment that we had forgotten about her appointment. I felt so awful! I can understand a teenage girl totally forgetting about a Dr appointment, but, as a mom, I’m expected to remember those things for my kids! I was so mad at myself.

I’m not sure why I’m going on about playschool and dance and Dr appointments. I think that I’m just trying not to fall into the negative rambling again, but I don’t feel all that inspired to write about anything else.  It is crazy how much my health, or lack thereof, ends up being all I focus on. It just affects every aspect of my life. So much so that I’ve let being sick and in pain redefine who I am. It is all encompassing. I know that I have to move through this or past this somehow. But I just have so much pain that it takes over. On days like today it is all I can think about. I was actually okay while I was with my monkey at playschool, thank goodness, but it got really bad after school!  I just wanted to go to bed. I din’t feel up to anything. I hadn’t even figured out supper by 6:30! I was sitting on the couch with my trusty-old-ice-pack pressed into my face, trying not to cry. So when my hubby got home from work, exhausted because he’s still not that much better and it was his first day back to work after being so sick, he took our middle daughter to the city to Fabricland to pick up supplies for school. Then, when he got home, he made supper for everyone, while I sat on the couch and continued doing nothing and feeling very very useless…I hate that I can’t always do those things. I hate to see him, completely done, yet still taking care of things at home. I feel like I must be weak or something, because he can push through it and that I can’t. He ignores how tired he is or how bad he feels and does what needs to be done. I surely drive him crazy!! I worry that, slowly but surely, he’ll grow to resent me…

So much for not being negative! Sorry, I didn’t know where that was headed. I guess I needed to write/say it, or it wouldn’t have come out of me.  I am just so so filled with guilt. About my pain keeping me from being and doing things that I believe I am supposed to do; as a mother, a wife or even a friend.  One of my oldest friends has been trying to face time me for so long now and I always seem to miss them, but I don’t face time or call back. Another of my childhood friends is continuously checking in on me and offering to come over and help me with the mess that I live in, but I never seem to connect with her or follow through. Why? I don’t know, I feel like such a crappy friend!  I just feel so drained and bla sometimes that I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone or do anything.  Ahhhhh!! More negativity!! I’m so so stuck!!  I need to go to bed. I’m, obviously, not at my best right now. I feel like shit and it’s likely pretty apparent!  So, before I continue ranting, I am going to bed.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!