Thursday. Thursday…

My baby had her last diploma exam for the first semester of grade 12.  Huh…  That certainly makes me feel old. I can’t believe  how crazy that is. She keeps saying that she doesn’t want to grow up. And, I must admit, I don’t want her to grow up all that badly either. It scares me. I just want to protect her and keep her safe, as all parents do I guess. I know we can’t always do that. Truth is, we can’t even do that when they are young and at home. It’s just what every parent needs, their kids to be safe. Somehow when they are under your roof it makes you feel like they are safe.  How many times can I say the word safe…not very poetic today. Kind of stuck, feeling blank.

I’m going to blame it on the pain. I know it may sound like an excuse I use over and over, but sadly it is true. I wish it wasn’t. I really wish that I could use that as an excuse and have it not be true. “Oh, I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come tonight, I have a headache.”  A good classic “I have a headache” excuse. Just because I want to get out of something. I feel like I’m on the exact opposite side of that. If I could have a day without some pain. No headache, no face pain, nothing. “Sure, I’d love to go out for a drink that’d be great!!”

I have practically no life whatsoever. My weekly weight watchers meetings are like my only night out. Seriously, it’s pretty sad. Often, when we do have plans, I end up having to cancel. And why, you ask, why do I cancel? Well, because, “I don’t feel good.” It really feels like I can’t breath some days. I can’t get out of it. It just has me stuck. My life is controlled by my pain. And I hate it, passionately. Especially on the bad days, when I know that the pain is controlling me and not the other way around. When I can hardly function. So so frustrating. I just sit at home doing nothing and it is making me crazy. I know that is why I started writing this. So that, even on these bad days, when the pain rules the day, I can say that I did something. Even a couple simple paragraphs or one sentence. It is a small step, but it is my way of taking the power back. I need to decide.  I can control and decide to write. I can push through the pain, even for a minute or two, and write something. I can go to bed knowing that I made a choice to write every day. And, that I’m doing it. Me.

I am reminding myself that I can call the shots in my life. I may not be working and I may not have gotten out of my house, off my couch or even out of my bed, but I was able to write something. About my day, my kids, my pain, it doesn’t really matter what I write about, what is important is that I wrote something.

I am hoping that taking back a bit of my power, will lead to me taking my life back in other areas. It is moving forwards. Taking a step. A small step ahead. I have been stagnant for too long, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My days have blurred and mashed together. I’ve just barely been going from day to night to day. I lose track of time of day, when to sleep and when to get up. If my kids weren’t in school I wouldn’t know a Monday from a Saturday. They are all a part of the same, unending loop. Wake up, take my meds, get fresh ice, lie down until my face is numb, get up, eat, get more ice, maybe make it to the living room, repeat repeat repeat, go to bed, with more ice and over and over and over again. Well, I’m just feeling so so bla right now and negative. And, now, at midnight, I hear my 4 year old crying upstairs. So, I should go see what’s up with him. And I’m going too go to sleep. Time to reset the cycle and go to bed. Sorry for the crabbiness today. I’m having quite the craptacular week!!  So, I will take my aching body to bed. Tomorrow is going to be busy and I need to get some rest or it will turn into a pretty rotten and long day. So, hopefully I’ll be more on the ball tomorrow. Or at least less negative. I’m having a poor me moment and I apologize. I try not to get like that, but some days I’m just stuck in it. I just can’t shake it today.
Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!