Was watching comedies with my oldest daughter tonight. Pretty late too! I feel like I’m semi-forcing her to watch with me. I mean, not really. It’s just that she’s sick & not feeling well at all. Her pale white skin (she is super fair-skinned, like my hubby) has a yellowish-green tinge to it. So, why do I ask her to watch another movie with me when it is so late?? (More like, why did I, but it is late & I have mixed up present and past tense all through this!! Lol). Well, because I can…because it’s rarely her & I (which she is usually all too willing to remind me of). So, on a night when she isn’t feeling well, the little monkey is busy with daddy & my middle love is watching her own movie on the computer (Netflix!!) , and, I am taking advantage of that!!
It is weird and sad and wonderful, all at the same time, to be watching movies with her that, not too long ago, my hubby and I would not have wanted her to see. Seeing her grown up enough to laugh at the things that, just a few years ago, we would have cringed at the thought of her seeing. Life is so strange. The way time moves and stands still all at once. When my baby is like my friend, yet still my baby all at once. It’s hard to track. And, so, tonight, instead of attempting to understand how she can be so grown up, yet still so innocent & young, all at once, I chose to embrace the “big girl” (according to my little monkey who sometimes calls her “little mommy” & yes, that makes me “big mommy”) side of her.
I also am taking advantage of the time with my oldest because I’m giving my hubby bedtime responsibility. Well, for the little monkey anyway. He’s used to our bedtime routine and so am I. So, the hubby says that he needs to let mommy do things without him…true. He says that he is wrapped up in me and that he will only do certain things with me. Which is true. So, if he wants me to let him go to bed and such without doing everything with me, then I will let him go for it. I know that our girls may not have had such a messed up schedule at that age and that they would go to bed far easier with dad or mom. But, due to circumstance, his (the little monkey’s) schedule is dominated more by my needs, than his own.
He is with me all of the time. All of the time…
His life has been super super close with me…especially when I feel like poo… (Nice technical term I know) Or maybe I should say, when I don’t feel good & I am needing to lie down, my little man has often (almost always) been there with me. So, cuddle time & mommy time has been his life… When I don’t feel good, he’s with me while I’m lying down and, when I feel okay or normal-ish, he’s still with me. So, I guess it’s what he’s used to.
And, well, our habits are interesting things eh… How we just fall into them without realizing we’re doing the same thing over and over again. And, they’re comforting and nice. They soothe us and help us move through life. In our eyes, it’s just day to day, one day at a time. But, when we look back, we see the consistencies. The routines & roles we play. And maybe our routines and schedules are not the same as everyone else’s, but I’m tired of apologizing for them…
I think, perhaps that is my point tonight. Often I write, not sure where I’m headed or what I’m going to say, but at the end I feel like, well yah, that’s exactly how I feel. And, that is it. Yes, my schedule is wonky and out of whack. It is unpredictable and not necessarily 9-5. However, it has been working for us. I realize that, now that this little man is getting older and will soon be in more than just 3 days a week afternoon play school, soon he will have to go to bed at a “normal” time and get up at a “normal” time. But, I will no longer feel guilty for getting by as I have. My life is not “normal”. It hasn’t been in some time. I am in pain a lot. I have good days and not so good days.
And, guess what, I have great kids! They are smart and kind and sweet. They are well-adjusted and happy and goofy. They are loud and argue and cry. We are happy and sad and angry. We are our own normal.
And WE ARE OKAY!!! I repeat, for this who may have missed it, WE ARE OKAY!!
No more “sorries”. For what?? For surviving??? The disorder that I have is often referred to as “the MOST PAINFUL disorder known to mankind”. Search it if you must, just google “Trigeminal Neuralgia” and let me know what you find!! Another name for it, that you will find with your Google search is “the suicide disorder”. This is because the pain is hard to manage and control. That’s putting it nicely. It is because (language warning here) it is fucking awful! Horrible! Brutal!
I had brain surgery for a reason. And guess what, despite all of this, I am here. And, if you missed the message I was trying to convey above…
WE ARE OKAY!!!
NO APOLOGIES!!!

Hopefully one day I’ll get it right, or at least have fun, while about it I write!